Review of Vampire's Kiss (1989) by Cameron H — 15 Sep 2013

Say what you will about Nicolas Cage... the guy knows how to play crazy. In fact, I think it might be written into his contract that he is legally required to have a batshit crazy flip-out scene in every movie he makes. But if you thought that the classic Nic Cage moments in Kick-Ass, Raising Arizona, and National Treasure weren't deranged enough... this is certainly the movie for you. It's less of a film than a showcase of Cage's capacity for unbridled lunacy, and on that front, it certainly delivers. Strangely enough, this movie fits into practically every genre, featuring drama, comedy, dark humor, horror, psychological thrills, and even a touch of classic descent-into-madness sci-fi. And grounding it all is the greatest actor of our time.

Vampire's Kiss is the story of how Nic Cage became a vampire. Really, that's enough to put asses in the seats. The entire film is basically a series of scenes in which Cage loses his shit, hallucinating a vampire girlfriend for himself, punching mirrors, and purchasing plastic vampire fangs when his teeth fail to grow in. It's legitimately hilarious to watch Nic Cage run down the street screaming "I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE!" And if you don't find that entertaining, you're most likely dead inside. Cage is only good when going over the top, but fortunately, the script in Vampire's Kiss never lets him down. If he plays anything less than all-out, it's no fun. But this movie gives him chances to show off his antics at every turn.

After being bitten by a vampire in a hallucination, a mildly successful literary agent hallucinates a series of bizarre events, ranging from not seeing himself in a mirror to being burned by the rising sun. It's difficult to convey Cage's insanity and commitment to the role in a writing medium, but... let's just say he recites the alphabet, pleads with bystanders to kill him, and builds a sofa fort to protect himself from the sun. This kind of stuff is just so much fun to watch, there's no way anyone couldn't enjoy it, which leads to the movie being far more enjoyable while you're watching it than when you think back to it. Because when you think back to it... it's fucking stupid. Literally built just to allow Cage to run wild, Vampire's Kiss relies solely on this one enthralling actor's performance to power the entire movie. And at times, this definitely works. But the rest of the time, you can't help but wonder what in the actual FUCK you're watching.

There's a subplot in which Cage torments his poor hispanic office worker, and even though he's supposed to be the main character, it's hard to feel any sympathy for him when he's being such a dick. I don't know if it was the writer's or the director's intent, but I kind of ended up rooting for HER. Because even if Cage is mentally unstable (and also possibly afflicted with being a vampire), you can't excuse some of the shit he does to her. In the end, he chases her through the halls yelling "TOO LATE, IT'S TOO LATE! TOO LATE, IT'S TOO LATE!" before raping her. Where does he FIND these things? Anyway... still a better love story than Twilight.

The acting in this, of course, is absolutely spot-on. But what about the rest of it? Sure, it gives Cage the opportunity to gleefully run wild, but at a serious cost to storytelling and characters. With very little to do other than go nuts, Cage pads his performance with an unplaceable accent (that makes it sound as if his sinuses are stuffed up) and some of the most deranged line delivery in the history of film. The story goes nowhere, and the running time, a whopping 100 minutes, could easily have been trimmed down to a more manageable runtime if some of the less inspired scenes had been eliminated.

It's definitely laugh-out-loud funny, but sometimes you can't tell if it's supposed to be or not. In fact, I was wrong-- this film doesn't fit into all genres-- it fits into NO genres. It defies every convention about cinema known to man, existing in a world without a coherent story, good pacing, or a lead actor who is not completely out of his fucking gourd. Really, there's a reason why Cage always plays (plays?) the mentally ill guy. He's either the greatest method actor of all time or just a lunatic who only gets jobs because he's related to Francis Ford Coppola. Which one is it? Honestly, I believe it's a little bit of both.

Final Score for Vampire's Kiss: 6/10 stars. The movie is insane, but it will definitely leave you with a few questions. Namely, "Why was this movie made?" The answer to that question is unknowable. Perhaps director Robert Bierman thought it would be funny to put Nic Cage in a nightclub while wearing plastic vampire teeth. Or maybe it's a more sardonic and dark comedy than people really give it credit for. Either way, it's an enjoyable movie that definitely deserves its place as a cult favorite for Nic Cage fans. Now, if you'll excuse me... I'm going to steal the Declaration of Independence.