Review of You Only Live Twice (2007) by Jose Miguel G — 02 Nov 2015

Oh man...I wanted to like this but aside from the helicopter battle, there was really nothing good in this. First off, the whole sequence where Bond gets captured, has sex with the female villain, has to save himself from crashing inside of a small plane and make it back to Tanaka took all of what, 5 minutes? What the fuck kind of editing is that? The script sucked too.

The girl took out her fucking steak knives and then kissed Bond. He gives up all his secrets and they get it on. Next thing you know, they're on a plane, she jumps out and no tension is built cause he lands the plane like 8 seconds after the girl jumps out of the plane.

Then there was the fact that they killed the two female leads only to have another random one show up who you expect to be insanely attractive to compensate for the loss of the other two but isn't.

The new girl is fine, I guess, but she's not worth losing the first two so quickly. The second girl's death sucked too. Poison on a string. The fuck? Horrible acting during her death as well. Oh yeah, and quite possibly, the worst ninjas ever portrayed on screen.

Tanaka goes through all the trouble to show Bond all the training his ninjas go through which include firing fucking rocket guns and then has the nads to say, "they're good at concealment and surprise".

Then when the fuckers actually go at Blofeld's base, they get found out and massacred by the machine guns. And as if that wasn't enough, they rappel into the middle of the fucking base. Nice fucking concealment and surprise there.

Ninjas, my fucking ass. They should've just called them what they were, cannon fodder. The ending was pure shit but I will give them their one bright, shining moment. When the horrible ninjas first appear on the volcanotop, it's a complete ripoff of the same moment in the Japanese Power Rangers where all the Red Rangers appear at the top of the mountain.

That was pretty badass. But then again, you could just watch Power Rangers cause at least their costumes don't suck balls. Fucking Japans...