Review of The Running Man (1987) by Jayee B — 21 Sep 2009

I grew up in the age of action stars. Big budget blow em up giants like Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Like any good 14 year old, I dug em all but by far Arnold was my fav. He was never to disappoint with strong action hero one-liners delivered with the greatest accent to imitate ever. Seriously, tomorrow bust out a ?GET TO THE CHOPPAH!? and just watch the joy it incites. So, let?s take a stroll down memory lane with one of Arnold?s best movies of the 80?s: The Running Man.

Let?s Jump In.

So basically, it?s the future and it?s not the cool version of the future like the one with flying cars, plastic outfits, and the kitchen appliance that reads your mind to find whatever it is you?re craving and POOF, it materializes. No it?s the shitty future, the one where the world economy collapses and there are police states, riots, and food shortages. Wait, why does that seem familiar? O snap, I think it just got all nostradamus up in here. You think I?m kidding? This is from the opening title scene:

"By 2017 the world economy has collapsed. Food, natural resources, and oil are in short supply. A police state, divided into paramilitary zones, rules with an iron hand.".

Dude, that?ll be right at the end of Obama?s second term?

So since most people apparently live in shanty towns and endure some type of violence daily, it?s not a stretch that a violent tv show is the most popluar. The Running Man is a show where convicted criminals have to make it through four quadrants without losing to a stalker. And in losing, I mean getting killed. And in getting killed, I mean in the most horrific way possible. Well, you know, there are ratings to think of. Now, Arnold plays an ex-military choppah pilot who was framed for the slaughter of 1500 civilians during a food shortage riot. He becomes known as The Butcher of Bakersfield and goes to jail, then escapes, then sorta joins the resitance, gets caught AGAIN, then ends up being forced to appear on the next episode of everbody?s favorite tv show: Fear Factor 2.0. But don?t worry, the one-liners flow like the great Nile and the stalkers are a wonderful who?s who of 80?s B-list action stars all with funny American Gladiator names.

Top Ten Reasons this Movie Breathes Awesomeness.

1. It?s based on a novel by Stephen King. You heard of him? That one dude who?s sold more books than anyone else on the planet. Maybe off planet too but I?ll have to check the sales figures on the Bible or Dianetics.

2. It?s directed by Paul Michael Glaser. Now wait, you?ve never heard of him? Oh sure you have, does Detective Dave Starsky ring a bell? Ok, these days he just does commercials for some loan place with a treadmill which is probably easier to direct than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3. The host of The Running Man is played by Richard Dawson. Hands down the best celebrity regular on Match Game, this man was a PIMP. He would have either Betty White or Fannie Flagg on one side and some young starlet on the other. Dude would mac.

4. Professor Toru Tanaka as Subzero, our first stalker. Yes, the guy who looks like oddjob from Goldfinger and who was formally the WWF tag team champion with Mr. Fuji. Now here he plays the Japanese sterotype strong-man who yells BONZAI as he skates. Yes, you read that right, he is on ice skates. Of course in the Japanese NHL the hockey sticks are made by Ginsu?.

5. The second stalker: Buzzsaw. Played by the powerlifter Gus Rethwisch. For this guy just think Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets The Road Warrior but with ear protection and safety glasses.

6. The third stalker: Dynamo. This guy sings opera, has an electric mohawk, and can shoot lightning from his hands. Oh yeah, and he looks like a Christmas tree.

7. Jim Brown as Fireball, the fourth stalker. Equipped with a jetpack, flame thrower, and a pepe le pew fade haircut, he chases down Arnold wearing what appears to be chain mail or a shark suit.

8. Jesse Ventura as our final stalker: Captain Freedom. YES wet get a barbed wire, steel cage match between two soon-to-be governors!

9. The body count is 1535.

Let?s break that down:

1 - prisoner worked to death.

1 - prisoner with blown up head.

3 - escaping prisoners.

17 - cops.

4 - stalkers.

2 - ex prisoner buddies.

3 - last season?s winners.

2 - fake contestants.

1 - tv audience memeber.

1 - tv host.

1500 - unarmed civilians (uncredited).

10. And best for last: the One-Liners.

"Hey Killian! Here is Subzero. Now plain zero.".

That's deep Arnold.

"What happened to Buzzsaw?" "He had to split.".

It's like he paints a picture with words.

"You BASTARD! Drop dead!" "I don't do requests.".

YES! By far my favorite. Arnold, thank you.

The Verdict:

Big Thumbs up! See, Ahhhnolld never disappoints. Behind the Terminator and Conan movies, The Running Man is a must have for a Schwarzenegger fan. It has a big cast, hell I didn?t even mention Mick Fleetwood and Dweezil Zappa are in there. It has bigger action, um c?mon - a ginsu hockey stick, a chainsaw, lightning, and a flame thrower! But I think its biggest draw today is how close it could be to the truth. With the economy in the toilet and reality tv blowing up, this movie hits pretty close to home. Gawd I hope that doesn?t mean Governor Schwarzenegger is our savior in real life too.