Review of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) by Kenneth L — 27 Jul 2011

...What? This movie is just so... ugh. It sucks. This really is the worst Star Trek movie, and damn is it bad. Especially considering how great Star Trek is in general, and especially how good Star Trek IV was, this is a real disappointment.

The story seems to have been written using a Star-Trek-themed Mad Libs game. It's just so random and nonsensical. I'll summarize the story using parenthesis for the parts that could have been put in with Mad Libs: So Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are (out camping in Yosemite National Park) and they (sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"). But then an apparent bad guy (kidnaps some random characters who don't actually matter at all). So the crew has to fly out to amend the situation, but (the Enterprise is falling apart for no apparent reason). When they get there, they manage to sneak into the bad guy's base because (fat, middle-aged Uhura does a sexy dance with some leaves and lures all the guards into firing range). But then the bad guy takes over the Enterprise anyway. Then the bad guy (shows McCoy and Spock traumatic episodes from their past, which do not impact the movie in any way at all). Also, the bad guy is (Spock's half-brother), which matters because (it doesn't). Then the bad guy makes them (go beyond the Great Barrier), and there they find (God) and (kill him). Also, they were being pursued the whole time by (some random angry Klingons), but this is resolved because (one of the kidnapped characters gives a stern talking-to to the head angry Klingon and makes him apologize like a kindergartener who pushed another kindergartener).

Seriously, that's all that happens in the movie, and none of it relates to the rest or has dramatic interest or makes any sense. The only reason to care about the characters is that we already do going in from the previous movies and the show, because there isn't much good character development here. Of the whole cast, only Leonard Nimoy fully manages to maintain his dignity here. Shatner has way too many stupid lines, and Kelley and Takei seem to be parodying themselves. Scotty (James Doohan) is reduced to just complaining about the ship's disrepair the whole movie.

The special effects are ok in parts, but cheesy and underwhelming in others. The costumes and make-up look like they always do in Star Trek. About the best thing in the movie is the theme music, which already existed before the movie was ever made. Star Trek is a great franchise, but this particular entry is like the retarded cousin of the series that isn't permitted outside its room at parties. Watch it merely for curiosity's sake.