Review of River of Darkness (2011) by Trent G — 15 Aug 2018

River of Darkness:

Written and directed by Bruce Koehler.

I'm back folks with a cinematic masterpiece from the director of Endgame starring Kurt Angle when he was in TNA. This is part of a new journey into the world of cinema. I'm using suggestions from other people and reviewing in tandem with a friend of mine Roguish. This was my suggestion. I thought upon seeing the horrifically photoshopped poster that made the movie seem more like a cheapo action film that I had to see this. It's not an action film. It resembles what should be a horror film. It tries to scare you in the most rudimentary way possible. It has some make up effects but the camera used had to be a digital camera from the early 2000s.

I have to make mention of this right off the bat because it's the first thing that catches you offguard. The look of the film, the camera work being done. Everything has this unusual haze about it like we're in some dream level. It also looks painfully cheap. I assume that's because the director spent all his money hiring Kurt Angle and couldn't afford a half way decent camera. The lights give off this harsh painful glare and cast deep shadows like having a spotlight shone directly on your face. I was confused right from the start.

The other thing that bothered me was the inability of the movie to determine a time period. Things felt really anachronisitic. The diner had a 50s feel to it. The cabin the sheriff lived in felt more in tune with Grizzly Adams.

But the biggest problem is the odd relationships between characters. Everyone treats the hero like complete garbage. He is the sheriff and he is desperately trying to solve these murders albeit in a rather relaxed manner. He doesn't seem to have any urgency about him and he routinely shows regular every day folks graphic crime scene photographs. It had me uttering in a quite audible level what the hell is going on.

It has scenes that start and then go nowhere only to immediately pick a few moments later in a different location. It had me scratching my head and blathering like a buffoon at the path this story chose to go. It was the story of a wronged group of outcasts coming back from the grave to get revenge on the town who cast them to their graves. You know the plot of The Fog.

This was a miserable experience. I should have known better considering this director made Endgame. All the problems that movie had, this movie still has. He has learned nothing in between films. I know better. I do. I'm not certain why I do this to myself. A certain degree of self loathing I suppose. I have to remind myself though to stay away from Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies. I can do this. I have faith in my resolution.

I give this movie an F.