Review of River of Darkness (2011) by Adam E — 07 May 2011

OK, so I knew this would be a 'so bad it's funny' film, but this is just taking the piss...

The film stars Kurt Angle as the Sheriff of Cedar Creek, a southern US town host to a number of murders by the Jacobs boys, who happen to be local lads killed 30 years ago.

The film is so bad I don't know where to begin. Lets start with characterisation. Main characters in films like this are supposed to be guys that you can get behind and root for. However, Sheriff Angle is portrayed as so much of a dunce that it's just impossible. The fact that the local lawman has absolutely no knowledge of the murders that made his hometown famous is absolutely ridiculous, making it no wonder he's portrayed as a figure of fun by the townsfolk. It is also worth noting the Sheriff's insistence on wearing blue jeans as opposed to uniform trousers with his sheriff's shirt and cap makes him look more like a gas station attendant than an officer of the law.

The writing and direction are horrendous too. If they were going for a Garth Marenghi's Darkplace kind of feel, then its a masterpiece, but you know they weren't. The amount of awkward pauses, clunky dialogue, and poor camera work are just laughable. The paranormal investigators who come to town also make light of the writing, given they claim to have read about the killings in the news, despite there seemingly being no media coverage of the murders whatsoever. Also, the unwillingness of any of the townsfolk to question the supernatural explanation for the murders is hilarious.

Then theres the quality of the film itself. Now, in 2007, I made a short film at college titled "Biff Saxon Versus The Emo Plague Terror", on a handheld DV camera. Aside from some issues I had with outdoor shots and wind noise, the quality difference between the two films is practically non-existent. The film does not look professional in the slightest.

Speaking of which, a quick look on IMDB will tell you River of Darkness cost an estimated $3.2 million to make. Watching this film, the only possible explanation for that cost on THIS film is thus: Embezzlement. Someone HAD to have been on the take for this film to end up looking like it did. How such a sum of money could be spent, only for the movie to look like it was made on roughly the same budget as your average Crimewatch Re-enactment, we can only wonder. Not to be boastful, but I'm willing to bet I could make a better looking film for about £5,000, if that.

The treatment of the Jacob Boys is baffling as well. Played by wrestlers Kevin Nash and Sid 'Vicious' Eudy, they receive about 2 minutes of screen time between them. Nash has already proven he has some acting ability after his turn in The Longest Yard, and is known in wrestling as a good talker, so why not give him more than one line, let alone more screen time?

As for Angle, this is his second film with director Koehler, with another in the works. If he's thinking of being the next Duane 'The Rock' Johnson, he's already done his chances irreperable damage with what has to be the most poorly made film I've ever seen.

There is irony to be found here. While John Cena's films (and the rest of WWE Films fare for that matter) are poor at best, they at least look professional. It had to happen that the film with TNA connections would be a poorly made, poorly written, illogical mess by comparison.