Review of Death Note (2017) by Collin P — 28 Aug 2017

If you haven't watched this movie yet and don't plan on it because you're afraid to ruin the franchise, let me give you my insight. I went through the pain of watching this shit fest so you don't have to.

I'm not saying the movie was absolute shit. it had a few redeeming qualities, though the list isn't very long. but I promise you, cross my heart and hope to die, that this was actually one of the shittiest renditions of an anime as a movie i've ever seen (the worst may be taken by the black butler live action film by warner brothers...i mean, come on, ciel wasn't even in it).

Nonetheless, this movie was still an absolute pile of shit. first and foremost, light is made out to be an intelligent kid, as we all know. however, he gets detention for doing other people's homework for them. DETENTION. let me say it again for the people in the back: D E T E N T I O N. prestigious, perfect light yagami gets detention. in what world would this motherfucker get detention? light is known to be a perfect student, a role model of sorts, and he would never, ever get detention. in fact, he'd never do anyone's homework for them, and even if he did, he'd be smart enough to not get caught.

From the beginning, you're already not on light's side. and that's bad, because you're supposed to feel some sense of sympathy for him at first. that's why he's my favorite. he was a good kid, but when he got the death note it corrupted him so far that he turned evil. awful. he's a piece of shit, and that's why I love him. the movie ruined that.

The notebook does not "happen" to fall into light's possession. as we all know, ryuk drops it for the purpose of playing a little game with a human, but he doesn't care which human it drops to. in the movie, it's obviously set up so that light is the one who gets the death note. I mean, holy fuck, it dropped directly to him. directly next to him. RIGHT AT HIM. it dropped to him as though the book was MEANT to find him, even though we hear from ryuk himself in the anime that it wasn't meant to drop to anyone in particular (though light thinks it was supposed to).

So the movie progresses. quick mention to the opening scenes though, misa is looking at light and he looks back at her longingly. that's right, kids, they have a mutual crush. MUTUAL. M U T U A L. that's bullshit. light gave 0 fucks about misa, he just wanted to use her for her shinigami eyes (which she doesn't have, by the way. nor does she have rem. or a death note. or anything. she's just...THERE.).

Light meets ryuk in detention and freaks the fuck out. in the anime, he screams once, gets kind of jittery, and eventually becomes completely calm around ryuk. but in the movie? all he does is scream and shout and freak the fuck out the first time he sees ryuk. it's like the level-headed version of light has been completely consumed by this over-emotional, irrational jackoff. and it's ridiculous.

So blah blah blah, he kills his first victim. which isn't a man about to rape a woman like it is in the anime, mind you. it's a bully. a fucking bully. something as simple as a BULLY. yeah, bullies suck, and I was bullied for all of elementary, middle, and some of high school, but bullies aren't top criminals. they don't deserve to die. that also makes me think of the needless gore the movie shows off, fyi. the first guy gets decapitated by a ladder and his head flies off of his body and splats on the ground, spreading blood and shit everywhere. it's disgusting, and not something the death note movie does. they don't utilize gore for entertainment; they give you real entertainment.

The movie, from here, gets moving pretty quick. misa and light become lovers because of course, in every teen fucking movie nowadays, there needs to be a love story - despite the fact that all anime watchers know that light could give less of a shit about misa. if he were done using her, he would probably have killed her himself. but instead, we get shown a "beautiful" story of blossoming love between them, and let me tell you, it's fucking disgusting. no one watches death note for romance, and if they do, they're basically shit fuck outta luck, because that's not what death note is about.

So yeah, they go crazy killing criminals and shit, and in comes L. ah yes, the man, the myth, the legend, L. he does his detective shit or whatever (+1 because watari was actually in the movie, and basically DID do everything for L because he couldn't do it for himself). he's on light's case immediately, which we of course know doesn't happen in the anime. because for all of L's intelligence, light hardly leaves a trail that leads back to himself, so it's hard to figure out if he's the one killing everyone or not. but nope. this shitty, dumb fucking light, is leaving this big ass trail leading back to him, and L has no problem sniffing him out.

Misa, by this point, is basically controlling everything. oh yes, MISA. dumb, prissy, love-struck misa. misa who is in the anime to be nothing but light's pawn (though, she is shown to be very intelligent at first - until light makes his way into the picture). she's the smart one. she's the one who wants to start killing cops. SHE'S the one who convinces light to kill certain people. misa, basically, runs the show. and we all know in the anime, that doesn't happen. that would NEVER happen, because misa was under light's spell, and she would have followed him to the ends of the earth. in the movie? role reversal.

So yeah whatever, they're doing their thing and L's doing his. the movie gets a +1 because a lot of L's characteristics were actually done incredibly. he was always barefoot; he was an insomniac; he was the world's smartest detective; he (most of the time) sat in his weird crouched position; all we saw him eat was candy; he did (in a scene or two) have on his usual jeans and white shirt; among other things. so L was actually PRETTY DARN GOOD! however, they kind of destroyed this by making him kind of an over-emotional wreck who did things irrationally, because of FEEEEEELINGS, which we all know is not something L would've done. it would have effected his detective skills, to get emotional the way he does in the movie.

Oh, and he also wears this weird turtleneck thing to cover his face? because he's in public really often? which makes no sense because we know L is pretty anti-social and prefers to be indoors?

So yeah the movie does its stuff or whatev, and L finally figures that light is kira but light's dad is like "NAH". I liked that he was very protective of light. light's dad was actually REALLY good. the sad part was that light's sister and mom weren't around. he had no sister and his mom was dead, like? why you gotta make him the most stereotypical guy to go insane?

L confronts light openly in a stupid cafe which we know he wouldn't do, and then light admits to being kira but he DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE DEATH NOTE AND DOESN'T KILL L AND L DOESN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT, another thing neither of them would ever, ever do, ever ever in the history of EVER. and it's so fucking ridiculous I almost laughed.

Light and misa go to this dance. misa tries to get the death note for herself, obviously something the real misa wouldn't have done because she did anything light said to do. meanwhile, watari is trying to find L's real name at the orphanage (-10000 because it's all beaten down and near and mello are nowhere to be found, oh and minus another 100000000000 because matsuda wasn't in the movie and I literally love him)? and he dies?? which i'm still angry about, fyi.

So light and misa meet at this damn ferris wheel and she writes in the death note that he's gonna die if he doesn't give her the death note by 12 am, but he dupes her and writes that SHE should die instead and that the page is going to magically burn in a magical fire and he's going to fall off of the ferris wheel and live while she falls off and dies. misa's death was actually pretty cool, cinematic wise, because she falls into this cart of flowers and they kind of fly up all around her? it was actually really, really cool, even though it doesn't actually happen in the anime.

Light ends up in a coma and later when he wakes up reveals that he made a pedophile do his bidding while he was out to snuff the trail leading to him (too fucking late) and when he's up and shit he tells his dad he was always kira. obviously not legit but alright movie, it's your life do what you want. so this is pretty much the end now, but it actually ends with L finding the piece of the death note with watari's name on it and it ends abruptly with an implication that L was going to write light's name down to kill him, which we all know ain't real.

But the biggest letdown of the movie? light never took a potato chip...and ate it. :'(?