Review of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) by Bullish — 24 Jul 2017

Oh...my...sweet...lord. What a **** disaster.

This has an average rating of around 50%?!?! Any critic who thinks this slog of a movie deserves above a 9% should have all movie reviewing powers taken away. This movie was nonstop unintentionally comical. The closest comparison I can come up with right now is M Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender.

+ The other dimension marketplace was a cool idea.

- The two main characters have 0 charisma - The dialogue is something I would expect out of a 8th grade class.

- On the topic of 8th graders, Laureline's sarcasm and its delivery will make you look at the random person sitting next to you for help.

- Valerian. No matter how imaginative the world is in which the story takes place, you need a vehicle to get you through it. This vehicle has no engine or prayer.

- The movie feels about 5 hours long.

- Not one action scene was suspenseful.

- Just like M Night's The Last Airbender, there are 500 scenes to keep track of.

- The supporting cast are something out of a sci fi channel made for tv movie. I would expect these performances in something like Sharknado 8.

- Overly progressive. The most benevolent and wise species is a tribe-like race where not one of them have a man's voice.

- The arc of this benevolent and wise species is so stupid I would not dare subject you to it. Actually **** it: So this alien race, that seems about as technologically minded as a cannibalistic tribe found in the Amazon, gets their planet destroyed because of a war that's happening in space above the planet. (Why that war is happening we will never know nor will we know why the general felt the need to destroy the random planet and not the enemy). Anyway, the tribal species' planet gets destroyed except for a few survivors who avoid the apocalypse by accidentally locking themselves in a destroyed spaceship. While in that destroyed spaceship they REBUILD it, get it back into outer space then drift along and cultivate tomatoes to survive on for 30 years till they are eventually picked up by scavengers. From there, they are taken to Alpha (the city of a thousand planets), where they move to the core of the city and hope to combine one super energy pearl with one reptilian hamster so they can then have enough energy to remake their home planet through powering up holographic plates. I'm not making this up, that is literally what happens.