Review of The Ten Commandments (1956) by Nik B — 25 Apr 2011

Who knew that bible people were so... sexy? This is the story of Moses. Three and a half hours. Christ. How about "Thou shalt not exceed 110 minutes" for No. 11 Amiright?

So Hebrew kid is born just as Egypt king says all new Hebrew boys must die. So mom puts baby on boat floats off and is found by King's sister, who raises him as her own. King thinks Moses is his nephew and Moses becomes a really nice and very popular slave owner. Set to take the throne and marry hottie #1. And no joke, thanks to modern blu-ray restoration, I'm pretty sure that I saw Nefretiri's titties. Serious see-thru nip-ons.

Anyway, that cat gets let out of that bag, and Moses goes to live as a slave and murder slave owners. That is until fake-brother Ramses (who also wants hottie #1 and throne) tells on him for being Hebrew. Moses is banished, takes a farm wife, sees a fire, talks to God, gets his people free, but it turns out they're kinda assholes, so he boots their shit back into the desert while saying, "Yeah, you're free- except for these 10 things.".

Weird thing about the movie. God reading the commandments is really all we ever about them. Title of the movie; but there's no talk of their applicability or value. Just a- here they are, now I'm dead.

In the role, Heston's fine; but Heston's a straight man with rigid characteristics. He's mostly just reading. Again, like with King And I, Yul Brynner was the standout. He was able to convey a range of emotions to a guy who's backstory is nothing but ambition, power and murder. The effects, which had to have been very new at the time, are timely, but still neat from a historical reference. The raining fire hail storm, the plague mist, and the parting of the sea are all great spectacles.

Good movie... if you HATE JESUS! :).