Review of The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption (2012) by John M — 06 Mar 2012

To call this movie amateurish would be an insult to amateurs. Normally, I start these things off with a concise plot synopsis, but I'll pass this time around because one, it's not important, and two, you only have a vague notion on what is actually going on, and left clueless on the specifics.

The Book of the Dead, ninjas and elephants may sound like a sure bet, but just trust me on this one. So if I'm keeping score correctly, this is actually the sixth movie from The Mummy franchise, and while I've seen all of the core series at one point or another, this is the first Scorpion King offshoot movie I've seen.

The original Scorpion King was Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and here, it's Victor "The Expressionless" Webster. He has none of the charisma or presence that Johnson has; he's not even capable of making his fighting choreography buyable.

This is a movie that never once passes the opportunity to make the worst pun or quip available, and being that the Scorpion King is written to be a sarcastic bastard here, a lot of those fall to him, but being that emoting for him is as natural as an oral bowel movement, he doesn't even add inflection to his jokes.

Apart from him, the acting is just dreadful. The only recognizable faces are Ron Perlman (does that man possess the ability to turn down a role?) and the oddly cast Billy Zane, who at least looks happy to get a paycheck.

The only compliment I can pay this movie is that it never made me overly angry, and with four or five huge WTF moments that caught me completely off guard, I at least got some unintentional laughs out of it.

There is not a single redeemable quality to this; even the fight choreography is handled incompetently, which is the one area you would think they wouldn't half-ass it. This is a lazy cash grab if there ever was one.