Review of The Rapture (1991) by Hindénbörg E — 17 Jun 2009

Listen closely to the audio of Michael Tolkinâ??s 1991 directorial debut and you can hear a strange, almost prophetic sound within the audio track. They are not of seven golden trumpets being blown but of two large thuds penetrating and crashing through a porcelain dish. This sound is unquestionably that of Kirk Cameron and James Lalonde shitting bricks. Although the special effects are equally as lame I would say that â??The Raptureâ?? is the complete polar opposite of the â??Left Behindâ?? films. I say â??would sayâ?? because I only watched about 5 minutes of one of the â??Left Behindâ?? films and it had something to do with Jake Buseyâ??s teeth devouring his head. But Iâ??m going to assume that theyâ??re shit anyways because Iâ??m a hateful, bigoted person and Iâ??m unwilling to accept any other view of the world except for my own. With that said, Michael Tolkinâ??s â??The Raptureâ?? has rightfully earned its place on my shelf of other illegally duplicated Jesus Is Lord films like â??Bad Lieutenant,â?? â??The Sacrifice,â?? â??The Decalogue,â?? â??Strange Cargo,â?? â??Last Temptation of Christ,â?? â??The Ninth Configurationâ?? and all the other religious movies that youâ??ll never see on EWTN because all the Kool Kristian Kids disapprove (or they donâ??t have enough funds for the screening rights).

â??The Raptureâ?? is the story of Sharon (Mimi Rogers), a sinful hedonistic woman who, when not working her day job as switchboard operator, runs around town spreading her legs and doing other sinful things with her guido bohunk swinger boyfriend. They have crazy sex parties with greasy strangers and eat beef tacos on Fridays without a care in the world. But alas, something is still amiss in our protagonistâ??s life. But all that changes one day when she overhears a conversation from some coworkers regarding Jesusâ?? soon return. Indigo children have shown up all over the country, warning followers of Jesus that these are the last days and that the Anti-Christ is already beginning to take form; it wonâ??t be long before Christ returns for the great tribulation. Those that are chosen are having visions of â??the pearl.â?? Rogersâ?? character just so happened to find the pearl tattooed on a hookerâ??s back. This becomes the catalyst that convinces her to finally end her wicked ways and trade in her deviant lifestyle for the teachings of the Lord in hopes of finding eternal salvation. In the process of doing this she converts David Duchovny, marries him, and coerces him to make the greatest sacrifice of all: cut off his fabulous 1991 mullet. Once he does this his life changes for the better. After finding Christ and cleaning up his treacherous ways he finds himself of the CEO of BigTime Companies Incorporated (or something like that) and begins to live for Jesus, fully enjoying each beautiful day on Earth that the Lord has granted him.

That is until he gets a round of buckshot to the chest from a disgruntled employee.

But fret not. Mimi Rogersâ?? character becomes ecstatic over this. â??Daddy was chosen by God,â?? she happily informs her 8 year old daughter. It is not longer after this that she becomes convinced that the last of the last days are truly here. All the prophecies have been fulfilled and all that is left is for the great rapture before the end of time and the battle of Armageddon commences. She packs up limited belongings; little clothes because God will clothe them; little food because God will bring a feast for them; and moves out to the desert to wait for the blowing of the seven trumpets to signify the rapture. She waits a day, then another day, then another. A week goes by, a month. A car alarm goes off from a nearby camper; she quickly rushes to the peak of a hillside only to find the disheartening truth. She grows weak, tired, and restless but she never gives up hope that it is all going to happen â??very soon.â?? She befriends an unsaved park ranger who informs her that she can only stay at that particular campsite for two weeks tops, but he comes sympathetic to her cause â?? even if he doesnâ??t believe it himself â?? and allows her to wait it out â?? whatever it is she is actually waiting for.

As the weeks and days dwindle she begins to grow more frustrated. With the world in the shape that it is in why has God forsaken her? Why is he allowing her to stay on this horrible Earth and keeping her, and others like her, out of the kingdom of Heaven? She believes she has been saved and demands her way into the pearly gates. Her child starts begging that she â??wants to be with daddy now.â?? She interprets these words as a sign from God. In order to fulfill Godâ??s way she has no choice but to make a sacrifice, much like the one that Abraham would have made all those years ago if God and the Punkâ??d crew didnâ??t show up at the last minute to reveal that they were just fucking with him and that everything was cool. She has to assist God in bringing her child to Heaven before herself. With the aide of a revolver she obliges.

Soon after she goes into full freak-out mode. She gets in her car, drives out of the desert at 100 miles per hour in hopes that sheâ??ll â??accidentallyâ?? swerve off the road into a lake or get hit by a big mac truck that is selfishly driving on the right side of the road and not looking out for the over zealous nutcases trying to collide with them. Fortunately Officer Friendly intervenes. She breaks down and confesses to blowing her kidsâ?? brains out. â??I would have killed myself too,â?? she explains through a veil of tears â??but you canâ??t get into Heaven if you kill yourself.â??

And it is at this point when the movie really starts to get interesting.

While in a holding cell her opinions slowly change. She becomes distraught and angry and begins to question her faith and convictionâ?¦. And all of this couldnâ??t have come at a worse time for Sharon because now strange things start to go down on planet Earth. The four horsemen of the apocalypse have already come. Theyâ??re in the desert spreading the seedlings of pestilence, war, famine, and all other fun things throughout the Earth. The bars on the jail cells begin to corrode and fall apart. Loud blaring horns are sounded. And worst of all Monday Night Football gets cancelled due to Angelic Video Pirates taking over the airwavesâ?¦ and theyâ??re not even the funny like the Max Headroom pirate either!.. Yes, the rapture is happening.

People from all over the world are questioning their faiths. In this time Atheists become converted; everyone starts to follow Jesus. The seventh and final horn is about to be sounded; all those that repent will be saved, all those that donâ??t will be left behind. In this great tribulation Sharon is not alone in the questioning of her faith in God. It becomes all too real that he exists and that the bible is not a work of fiction but what does it matter? In her eyes God has asked everything of her and she willfully obliged, giving her life to him and still He wants more. Sheâ??s already proved herself, lived her life through him, destroyed herself for him, and yet he still asks for her to bow down for him. In the end, as everyone is repenting and getting sucked up into the sky like dustmites at the basin of a Oreck vacuum, with her daughter standing feet away from her pleading for her to repent she refuses. Realizing that His grand plan is a barrage of cruelty and literal mindfucks she quietly tells the Big Cheese go suck a dick. Sharon accepts that by refusing to bow down sheâ??ll be cast down into the shadows for all eternity, never knowing his true love. So be it.

â??The Raptureâ?? has been accused of being blasphemous Anti-God propaganda from one faction while being pretentious Christian propaganda from another. Both are probably true. While â??The Raptureâ?? paints a portrait of a cruel, non-understanding, ego-saturated God (i.e. The Book of Revelations) it also takes further scrutiny of human stupidity. Sharon may be right about God, but she is not necessarily the innocent pawn she believes herself to be. God never asked her to kill her child; she interpreted that he did. God never asked her to move out to the desert and live in wandering bewilderment like Moses; she interpreted that he did. If anything â??The Raptureâ?? is a look at what happens when someone scrutinizes writings way too closely and begins to only accept pure literalism. When I was in CCD (Catholic Kidz Night School for you not hip to the Jesus lingo) I had the audacity to innocently ask if the stories in the Bible were actually real, as in 100% truthfully real. My teacher looked at me like I was drinking the rubber cement (to be fair I actually was at the time) and replied â??Of course they are!â?? At that point I just stopped being sure. As malformed as my brain was at 8 years old I had trouble believing in people that lived to be 900 years old and how one man and his family could gather up two of every species on Earth, including ones not at all indigenous to his region (Polar bears!) cram them in one boat and have them not either eat each other or die of starvation, or exhaustion or suffocation and somehow ride out an enormous global flood which only takes several months for all the waters to recede. And why would you want to save earwigs anyways? Faith can compensate for some of that, but Iâ??m not sure about all of it. Iâ??m not bible bashing but I just wanted to know if all those stories in Genesis possibly had a different meaning than what we read them as. Apparently not. So with this I think that people like Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptists are perhaps some of the truest believers we have today. Tell them that theyâ??re preaching hatred or believe that theyâ??re going to Hell, but theyâ??re just doing what they believe is right. Theyâ??re walking definitions of biblical literalism. In this sense their biggest fault is that theyâ??re not taking it far enough. And Iâ??m sure that they would probably admit to that.

But enough of this. Iâ??m starting to sound like Bill â??Hey Look! Iâ??m a hip middle aged dude that goes to Amsterdam to smoke pot!â?? Mahrer. And I donâ??t want that. The bottom line is that â??The Raptrueâ?? is a greatly underappreciated, if also flawed, film. It might be a little bit self-important but itâ??s easy to overlook. Itâ??s a great black comedy from start to finish. The humor is in the same vein as David Lynchâ??s â??Blue Velvetâ?? and subsequently Todd Haynesâ?? â??Safeâ??: extremely deadpan and thoroughly uncomfortable. Characters are introduced and move with cardboard fluidity. The atmosphere is something of its own creating: dreamlike and surreal for the most part, which I guess makes sense that some question whether or not the whole thing was real or just a hallucination brought on by Rogersâ??character (I believe it to be real). Either way, itâ??s one of the more enjoyable movies I rented from Netflix in the past couple of months. I almost feel that this self-indulgent â??TL;DRâ?? write-up of the film was warranted. If youâ??ve made it to this part you may feel otherwise.