Review of The Northman (2022) by Damnedthing — 26 Apr 2022

As a huge fan of The Witch and The Lighthouse I was really looking forward to this, but it's flipping atrocious. TW & TL created small worlds with involving characters that pulled you into their madness. TN is just dull AF. There's no real depth to any character, they're there to hit their mark and say the words with no real conviction towards being believeable - honestly, it feels like a series of vignettes of people doing first takes with awful stilted accents and worse dialogue. I love a bit of bloody violence and reading the reviews I was hoping for some Battle of the Bastards / Braveheart stylee full throttle aggression. There's just one short raid, which is pretty tame, and one sword fight at the end that..meh! The whole thing is just meh, it's like Eggers has had his whole creative spark snuffed out making this and all that's left is the withered soul of a body and mind that has been broken by a bigger budget. My wife, who's squeamish at best, practically **** when a wandering nobody let his guts spill out...serious regional am-dram society overacting at its worst. Since when have critics suddenly become more squeamish that a 55yo woman who hates gore - snowflakes. Also: cinematography is insipid; music is awful; direction is plodding.

A waste of time and effort. The reviews now feel like they were written to be encouraging to Eggers based on his previous trajectory rather than an honest appraisal of a duff movie. Gets 2 points because Bjork, and the fact that I didn't walk out - something I haven't done since Highlander 3, although I was very tempted here.