Review of The Northman (2022) by Piglordofallham — 23 May 2022

Why was the Valkyrie wearing braces? They didn't have that level of Dental technology back in 700 A.D. How ridiculous. 0/10 F- Terrible film from another terrible director that couldn't direct people to their seats in a movie theater if you paid him to.

Real talk? This was like "Conan" meets a documentary on Vikings dramatized TV show, so basically.. just like anything on television these days. Its extremely, shockingly, stupidly, bonecrushingly mediocre for what should've been a decent action movie. Then again, this is the guy who directed the "Witch" with double V's instead of a singular "w" in the title. The Viiiiitch, had a lot of similar problems, but it was much more compelling and was obviously more of fantasy film then anything based off an ancient culture like say- actual Vikings.

Witches aren't real, they never were, the family went nuts, and it doesn't really matter because its a compilation of a lot the microcosms and general issues people had going on way back when the pilgrim's came to North (or more accurately EAST) America. Viking action films inspired by Conan would be great, but this IS Conan except boring and bizarrely anti-climactic as well. Couldn't get into it, too many big names, too many pretty faces, too many shirtless men running around when we all knew that most of the time- they fought naked. A disturbing lack of nudity all around, which would've probably insulted real Vikings if they were alive today.