Review of The Crucible (1996) by Alex P — 06 Jan 2008

Do you believe in the devil?

If you do, you'll like this movie more than I did.

As it is, this story is more about mass hysteria than anything else.

Well, that and the connivings of an evil little slut. Just one selfish fucking cunt of a twatty little insufferable bitch. If that sounds like I should have given the film less than four stars, you haven't seen the film.

Winona Ryder is ATROCIOUS in the role of Abigail Williams, which is too bad, cuz it's a helluva role.

But ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE ELSE in the film is absolutely balls-to-the-wall brilliant.

I'll save D-Day for last.

Elder statesman Paul Scofield tears into the role of Judge Danforth like it's a rare porterhouse. He savors every word and makes this villain's role into a truly spectacular force of nature.

Classically trained theatre actor Rob Campbell plays my favorite role, that of Reverend Hale, a man of the cloth and somehow, a man of rational thought as well. Campbell fucking belts this thing out of the park. How this man gave this performance over a decade ago and is now relegated to guest shots on Law & Order is far beyond me. Hollywood needs to rediscover this man, post haste.

Likewise the wonderful Karron Graves, playing the tortured soul of Mary Warren, the only girl willing to stand up to the twatty cunt-slut. She's amazing throughout, but watch her in the courtroom accusation scenes, and then you tell me why she's not in more stuff.

And Charlayne Woodard, the beautiful and statuesque black woman who plays Tituba, somebody's gotta put this lady on the side of a milk carton or something. It is inconceivable to me how she's not a fucking star.

(I know that these three actors are probably out there doing great theatre right now, and it's possible they wouldn't trade that for the world, but dammit, I want to see them act more, and I can't and so I'm angry and I think people should just do what I say anyway, so there.).

Other roles are well played by Bruce Davison as Rev. Parris, Jeffrey Jones as Thomas Putnam, and Robert Beuler as Judge Hathorne, just to name a few out of the very large and very stellar cast.

And Joan Allen, an actress whom I unabashedly love, ever since I first saw her in "Nixon", is given the beautifully subdued role of Elizabeth Proctor, and she NAILS it. Loyal and long-suffering, she stands by her man through everything, and would, I think, continue to stand right by him were he standing in hip deep water and being simultaneously eaten by sharks and grizzly bears. She's that loyal.

And oh my god, that scene between her and D-Day on the heath with that New England wind rending the flesh from their bones and he starts to shudder and she immediately buttons the top button on his shirt, and then he asks her to forgive him and she says she can't until he forgives himself. Fucking BRILLIANT.

Which brings us to Daniel Day-Lewis. "The Crucible" was originally written by Arthur Miller five years before Daniel Day-Lewis was born, and performed all over the world in countless productions by hundreds of different actors in the 38 or so years before D-Day got ahold of it. But let me tell you, those hundreds of actors all over the world? They were just keeping the role warm for him, because this fucker was WRITTEN for D-Day. He kills it. He absolutely kills it. He waits for it to be asleep one dark night, and he finds out where the role lives, and then he sneaks into the house where the role lives one dark night while the role is sleeping and then he creeps up to the bed where the role is sleeping in the house where the role lives on that dark night, and he cuts the role's throat. He cuts the role's throat. And he licks the blood from his fingers and then he takes the role and he buries it in the ground. He kills the role and then he buries it in the ground.

Someone should arrest D-Day Lewis for murder, because he killed this role and buried it in the ground and no one else can ever play this role now, because D-Day FUCKING KILLED IT.

I used to think I wanted to play John Proctor one day. I don't anymore. And neither should anyone else. Because anyone who ever plays this role will now be compared to D-Day. And that is not a comparison you want made, because you will lose. D-Day is gonna bury you in the ground.

Seriously though, you'll watch this movie and you'll think to yourself that D-Day is amazing, as per usual, and wow he's good, and what an imaginative choice and everything else, and then the confession scene is gonna creep up on you and you're never going to be the same again.

"I HAVE GIVEN YOU MY SOUL, LEAVE ME MY NAAAAAAAAAME!!!!".

I cannot wait for "There Will Be Blood", and I love his turn as Bill the Butcher, and his performance in "My Left Foot" DEFIES THE RUDIMENTARY LAWS OF PHYSICS AND THE HUMAN WILL, but this will always be one of my favorite D-Day roles.

Because he killed it.

And then he buried it in the ground.