Review of Terminator Salvation (2009) by Zach C — 27 Dec 2012

Shamelessly pretentious and cliche.

First of all, the title. FUCK THAT SHITTY CLICHE TITLE. "Salvation?" Oooh, sounds interesting... TO A FUCKIN' 5TH GRADER. What's next, Terminator Redemption? And isn't a fuckin' number missing? Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day or Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Why does McG think he has the right to change that? Why does he think he has the right to touch a franchise he isn't worthy of licking the balls of? Why does he think he's cool enough to go by the name "McG" in the first place? And why does he think his creative input is worth more than that of a pre-pubescent Michael Bay fan when his only other films are We Are Marshall, Charlie's Angels and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle? Yeah as if those "masterpieces" really put him in the Hollywood spotlight. Fuck McG right in his McA.

Secondly, the characters totally sucked. John Connor was as emotionless as the original T-800, and to see a great talent like Christian Bale drown in the shit that is this movie made me sick. Marcus Wright was a character with potential, but thanks to a ridiculous screenplay you really couldn't give a flying fuck about what happens to him. Oh, and Kyle Reese, you know, the character who we waited 25 years to see in a Terminator movie again, was a total fuckin' let down. But most of all, Blair Williams was the most downright cliche, two dimensional joke of a character I've seen in anything.

Thirdly. Wow. That's all I can say about the script, and that's not a good thing. The familiar quotes "I'll be back," "Hasta la vista, baby," "No fate, but what we make," and "Come with me if you want to live," are all there. "Come with me if you want to live," is a recurring quote in all the Terminator movies, so that's acceptable. But the classic quotes being used is possibly the most shameless exploitation in all of film history. But that doesn't even show why the script is so bad. After John Connor's fleet is attacked he's the only one left, and when he radios for support they ask how many survivors there are to which he replies short of breath "One," referring to himself. Maybe it doesn't seem so bad typed out like this, but watching it is nothing short of brutal. In another scene John Connor undermines his commands and when he is told he is relieved of duty via walkie talkie his soldier says "I didn't catch that last statement." The camera moves to other soldiers that say "Me neither," and I nearly laughed and cried at the same time.

Not only is this a horrible movie in itself, but it shamelessly pisses, shits, vomits, and secrets puss all over the the original franchise and even makes Terminator 3 look good. Fuck this.