Review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) by Quincytheodore — 17 Aug 2014

This is not your average stupid, this is Michael Bay stupid. There's a certain level of absurdity in movies that I'm willing to overlook. Some may have convenience timing or occurrence, but TMNT has gone beyond any hope of logical salvation, it discarded any plausibility or decent common sense in that matter, and opted for samurai robot and explosion. I knew it was going to do that, but apparently my expectation was still too high. One of the characters embodies Michael Bay's philosophy, saying that knowing what people like is good, like froth in coffee. Well, this movie doesn't even resemble that, it's that white stuff that accumulates at corners of your mouth when you're really thirsty.

Acting isn't much, there's Megan Fox who looks nice and everything, but she just looks completely in distress, it differs little whether the cause is ninja, samurai robot, or transforming robot. There may be a misconception that Fox’ up close agape look is a selling point, or may be not. Will Arnett tries to bring some comedy, his character often wanders how he caught up in this mess, same could probably be said about the actor. The main problem is how the turtles look exceptionally superficial. Using CG is expected, although the end result appears too mutated for viewing pleasure. At times, they resemble bulked up Jar-Jar Binks, definitely not pretty. While the movie tries to personify them differently, they are just too unconvincing to build any kind of emotional attachment and end up rather shallow.

Plot is a mess, it literally requires one to not question anything and merely marvel at the explosion. Even if the original story is a children cartoon, there has to be some coherency. TMNT doesn't want anything to do with any of that, with each passing minute the movie struts into the realm of impossibility even by dumb standard. Screenplay is poorly written, content is thin, near non-existent even. About half way most audience will stop their attempt to follow the plot, because it's exercise in futility and if one cares about story after about forty minutes, that's more work than the production put in the movie.

I suppose in term of effects it fares slightly better. These scenes are the highlights, and at this point, one won't be surprised if the turtles developed wings and fly. Fights and some action scenes are decent, but it may have borrowed too much from Transformers, just change the robot in flying debris with mutated turtles in flying debris. Cinematography is very Michael Bay, tilted scene, rotating close up, damsel in distress, empty dramatization all around. I guess it works for mindless fun, but it's now more mindless than fun.

The movie belongs in the sewer where it should just stay there, but considering turtle's life span, how it sells like hot pizza and Michael Bay's persistence, I fear for a sequel.