Review of Stolen (2012) by Robert S — 11 Jul 2014

***SPOILER WARNING***.

The thing about most Nicholas Cage movies is that I can never decide whether it's the actual movie that sucks, or just Nicholas Cage. Would "Stolen" have been a good movie had Liam Neeson played the main character? Or could even his badassery not save this train wreck of a script? It's certainly one of the great questions of our age, and one that would probably have stay unanswered if I hadn't already seen "Taken" (hint: it's really, really good. And Nicholas Cage free. Quite the coincidence, huh?).

Another couple of questions that could probably be answered if I wanted to waste my time thinking them through:

What's up with Nicholas Cage's face? Is that Botox? A face lift? ...Both?

Why does Malin Åkerman insist on speaking Swedish in every movie she's in? And in every interview?

Why should I root for the main character? Because he's a hardened criminal with enough morals not to kill an innocent bystander? Because he swears that he's a reformed man post-prison, even though it turns out he spent most of the time locked up dreaming up a heist?

How is Nicholas Cage's character not completely technologically challenged after eight years' incarceration? How can he navigate the FBI's database with such ease yet not know what a GPS is?

Why hasn't the bank upgraded to a better safe? Why are the tunnels beneath their gold stash completely unguarded and so very accessible?

Why do the FBI storm buildings without securing the exits? Why do they keep on getting their butts handed to them? Why are they so completely incompetent?

Again, who does this movie want me to root for? The creepy ex-con with the emotional depth of a puddle? The FBI agents who should've shot him in the leg already (but who probably would have missed because just look at them!)? The one legged kidnapper who's so angry and revengeful that he's a caricature? The daughter in distress who I know next to nothing about except that as a little girl she liked Care Bears?

Why can't I muster up any feelings except a vague sense of bewilderment when it comes to this movie? Why don't I even dislike it? Is it because disliking it would mean that I had to feel something for it? Would it even be possible for me to summon up enough feeling to dislike such a bland display of blah blah blah?

Tl;dr - Watch "Taken" instead.