Review of Starcrash (1978) by Jason G — 19 Dec 2010

I wish I could give STARCRASH... 6 stars!

Make no mistake... STARCRASH is an absolutely enormous slab of cinematic shit. But it might just be the greatest piece of guilty pleasure that I've ever seen.

STARCRASH is awful... but it's also the most ironic example of irony you'll ever see on the screen. It takes itself completely seriously for a solid, relentless hour and a half and that might be it's greatest strength.

STARCRASH makes no apologies for ripping off some of the most iconic, pre- 80's films ever. It might not be fair to say it's a direct rip-off of STAR WARS because the only real similarities between the two are "light sabres" and intergalactic space travel... (and the presence of an evil galactic empire... and....) - - but since it was released, hot on the trail of the monstrous, Lucas helmed, mega-hit... comparisons are unavoidable.

STARCRASH does however... steal freely from 1968's ~ PLANET OF THE APES as well as 1963's iconic Harryhausen classic ~ JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS. The special effects in STARCRASH look like the kind of visuals you see in a really, really bad sci-fi films from the 50's... except STARCRASH was made in 1978 and much, much higher standards for this type of "special effects" had already been set (arguably, as early as 1969's ~ 2001).

But here's the great thing about STARCRASH's horrible effects. They are 100% earnest. They are MEANT to be taken seriously. STARCRASH is a film, made in the late 70's... by people who used stuff from the 50's because they thought that it would still be good enough. The filmmakers and crew somehow manage to keep a straight face as their cast runs around with futuristic ray guns that look like hair dryers, spray-painted silver.

Look... don't take my word for it... see STARCRASH for yourself! This might be the greatest trainwreck of a movie you have ever seen. Consequently... it's a million laughs.

But wait! As if the makers of STARCRASH aren't getting away with enough by somehow entertaining me with all this sub-standard shlock... they even go so far as to provide me with a decent cast.

David Hasselhoff!

Carolyn Monro!

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER!?!?!?

I even get a soundtrack by Oscar-winning composer, John Barry!

The outfits in STARCRASH are ridiculous. "Robots" walk around in neoprene wetsuits with tubes and wires sticking out of them (they speak with Southern Accents too)! The men wear space-suits that look like they were cobbled together with old auto parts and the women walk around in the furthest, coldest reaches of outer-space wearing almost no clothing at all.

Unlike her past performances in much better flicks like 1974's ~ THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD, or even CAPTAIN CHRONOS from the same year..........Caroline Monro's performance in STARCRASH is absolutely horrific. She is, however....quite a beautiful woman and spends so much of the film walking around in thigh-high boots and a leather bikini that you probably won't mind, even if you notice.

The story is convoluted and non-sensical... at one point (in an obvious effort by filmmakers to save a bit on budget and avoid building more, shitty looking "futuristic" sets)... our heroes travel through time and space to the furthest reaches of the galaxy.... to a far-away...... beach.

Here... (for absolutely no reason whatsoever), they run into a tribe of scantily clad "Amazons" who immediatly sieze our friends only to break into one of the greatest, inter-galactic cat-fights ever committed to celluloid.

But wait! We haven't even seen "The Hoff" yet!

When Hasselhoff finally shows up on screen... well, it's just the icing on the cake! Sporting a full-on afro and a shocking amount of mascara... Hasselhoff looks like Tammy Faye Baker and Ru'Paul got together and had a love child. But even this is not enough to distract you from his ghastly performance.

Finally... we have Christopher Plummer. In another example of how actors of quality and calibre sometimes choose to read the paychecque and not the script... Plummer appears in STARCRASH for a mercifully short period but when he does he absolutely commands the scene, fully resplendant in a head-to-toe, Gold Lame cape!

Rrrrowr!

STARCRASH is the best and purely funniest "bad" movie that I have ever seen... PERIOD!

It earns this prestigious title because despite being so bad, it kept me absolutely enthralled from beginning to end. If you can watch STARCRASH without having your jaw drop AT LEAST 25 times... I'll be extremely surprised.

A must!