Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Joe E — 04 Feb 2018

Only days after being captured and tortured by Kylo Ren in Force Awakens, Rey thinks of him as a romantic partner.

It's Fifty Shades of Gray in space, and Rey is the masochist!

Wow! Our hero Rey likes immature mass murderers!

Finn left his life of a stormtrooper because he couldn't abide the killing; now he wishes the people in the casino were dead. He celebrates the mayhem he causes. Is this the same Finn?

In Force Awakens, Finn needed a pilot to get away from the First Order. Now, a few days later, he flies a ship to the casino planet.

Finn and Rose save and show concern only for the animals; they leave the slave children to fend for themselves.

Officer Rose tasers black man Finn. Then Finn accepts being tasered, and decides he likes Rose well enough to accompany her to the casino planet! . . . Is Finn a masochist like Rey? Weird!

In Leia's first scene, she slaps Poe across the face. I wonder if Poe should have slapped her back. Let's have all the heroes in the story assaulting one another!

Rey gets angry with Luke and clubs him to the ground from behind.

Rose tasers Finn.

None of this makes me like any of these "heroes.".

The fearsome First Order general of Force Awakens is now an idiot who sputters about Poe's yo-mama joke. Wow! In a galaxy far far away, they are telling yo-mama jokes! Takes you right out of the movie.

Yoda approves of temple burning; the viewer gets to make up the reason why.

Luke approves of book burning.

Luke has become a grumbly hermit because he had one bad thought many years ago. Is this sufficient motivation for such a giant change? Now he has no interest in helping his sister, Leia. He'll do nothing to preserve anything that he made, all because of one bad thought! Stupid.

But for reasons unknown, Luke decides to join the fight at the end to kill the nephew he thought about killing many years ago.

He talks with Leia, and Leia agrees that her son is beyond redemption. So, Leia has no problem with killing her son, and Luke is fine with it now, too. But he's only a force projection, so it doesn't matter.

Wow! Leia wants to kill her son, the son who almost killed her with his spaceship blast, but didn't. Leia isn't much of a hero. This story isn't about good and evil anymore. It's about the "mixture." This is supposed to be profound. You know, you need a balance between good and evil. So, it's "good" to have a galaxy ruled by an evil mass murderer, because "balance." Therefore, we need things like Auschwitz because it's good to always have evil, lots of evil to balance good. This is nihilistic, cultural poison; it's also stupid, poorly thought out shit.

Leia uses the force to fly like superman through space! Then no one comments about it ever again. Leia never bothers to try out her new powers. This shows that she's basically an idiot.

Kylo-Ren in Force Awakens was struggling between good and evil. He chose evil when he killed his father. But now, he is still struggling with good and evil. Killing his father had no effect!

"The Jedi must end," says new Luke, and I agree. Enough of this shit.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Parody of Episode 9:

We are only minutes after the end of episode 8, and the rebel ship that has launched off the salt planet where our heroes escaped from a cave is, of course, still running out of gas! The tension is unbelievable!

The Imperial Star Destroyer sees the rebel ship, and the bridge commander says: "We have you now! Only eight more hours, and they'll be out of gas! Give chase!".

The camera turns toward the rebel ship and gets closer and closer until we are looking down a skylight at a room where Leia is lying on a bed.

The recent events have been too traumatic for Leia, and she is dying because "she has lost the will to live.".

Rey is kneeling beside her, in tears.

Leia, dying, says:

"Oh, my poor dear child! I know it now! You are my lost daughter! A druggie stole you from my cradle! And he took you away with his druggie wife! And all my life, I've been looking for you! That's why I hugged you in Episode 7 instead of Chewbacca when I first saw you after all these years! Only now do I understand that strange impulse!".

Rey weeps, and Leia dies.

The moment, however, might be too intense for children. So to lighten the mood, a porg hops onto the death bed. And then another porg, and another! It appears that the porgs have gotten off the Millenium Falcon and are now reproducing rapidly, away from Chewbacca and other natural predators. It's an invasive species!

Finn comes in, and says, "What's wrong?".

Rey says, "Hold me, just hold me," and they hug.

"What's wrong?" asks Finn again.

"I'm Kylo-Ren's sister!" wails Rey. "And now my budding romance with him is at an end! O woe! And he looked great without his shirt on!".

"Kylo-Ren?" asks Finn, in an overly emotional voice. "You mean Kylo-Ren is the boyfriend you've been keeping from me?".

"Yes!" Rey wails. "But when I met you, he was only a long, long distance fantasy. I had heard about him, and of course, everyone loves the baddest mass murderer in the galaxy! But I never thought I'd meet him in person! And now, I can't love him anymore because I'm his sister!".

"Wait! I hear something!" says Finn, and he turns to look out the window.

There he is! It's Luke! He is alive, contrary to everyone's expectation! What a twist! The audience gasps in amazement! And he is flying like superman toward the space ship with his light saber on!

The commander of the Imperial Star Destroyer sees Luke flying, and announces, "It's Luke Skywalker flying at 32 degrees! Prepare to fire with all cannons!".

"No!" says a terrifying voice. And the camera turns around, and there, standing on the bridge of the Star Destroyer, is Snoke! He has used the force to put his body back together! The light saber made a clean cut, and it was an easy task to glue himself back together again. However, his body is slightly lopsided now.

"Don't fire at Luke!" says Snoke. "I want him as my new apprentice. He is turning to the dark side! We'll let him board the rebel ship, and when they run out of gas, we'll capture them all! Ha ha ha!".

But in case this is becoming too intense, a joke ought to lighten to mood. Therefore, Captain Phasma, whose armor easily allowed her to survive her death scene in Episode 8, enters the bridge. And she is accompanied by a bunch of porgs! In fact, when the camera turns back to the bridge, there are porgs everywhere, they are taking over the Imperial Star Destroyer! Their reproduction rate is astounding!

Meanwhile, Luke flies through the open doorway of the rebel ship. He runs to Leia's bedside. But he is too late. She is already dead.

"Oh Rey!" he says. "I'm sorry. I've been such a cranky old man. You taught me to change my ways! You have everything you need to be the Jedi I should have been. I realize now that I must learn from you!".

"Luke!" screams Rey, joyfully. "I have great news! You're my uncle!".

"Your uncle? But why didn't I sense that?".

"It's because you've separated yourself from the force all these years.".

"Ah! That explains it!".

"Yes, uncle, and I'm sorry, too. You're probably here because I stole your Jedi books.".

"Yes, niece. That was another sign that you're turning to the dark side. And what about when you clubbed me from behind with your stick!".

"Yes, that might have been excessively violent, I admit it," says Rey. "But I hope everyone still loves me anyway, even though I assaulted you from behind because I was angry. At least, if I hadn't stolen your books, then Yoda might have burned them, and all the Jedi knowledge would have been lost!".

"True, true," says Luke. "You're even wiser than Yoda!".

"It's true, I have everything I need already. So as soon as we run out of gas, I'm going to visit my brother, Kylo-Ren, and we'll have great sex. That'll be sure to change him!".

The end.