Review of Priest (2011) by Yahir E — 27 Jan 2012

In the opening sequence of "Priest," we are told that mankind has been at war with vampires for centuries, a war that we were on the verge of losing...until the "priests" came along. The priests are people gifted with a very special set of fighting skills, the skills needed to slay the undead. Blessed by the clergy, they go into battle with bibles in their hands and crosses tattooed on their faces. These talented warriors single-handedly turned the tide of the war, nearly exterminating the vampire race. The remaining monsters were herded off into secluded reservations, and the priests were forced into retirement, as their services were no longer needed. At least, that's what humanity thought anyway...

I have a nagging question: why bother with these vampire reservations in the first place? Why not just kill them all?? It's not like they're being kept around for scientific experiments; the reservations are basically prisons. There is no benefit to humanity to have these blood-sucking monstrosities alive. So why bother? What's the point?

I know, I'm asking a question I'm not supposed to ask in a movie such as this. But damn it, I just can't help it. If the movie had been interesting or entertaining, I might have been able to shut my brain off to that kind of logical reasoning. But alas, "Priest" is derivative, stupid, and actually rather boring. But then what should I expect from the guy who directed "Legion?" But hell, at least "Legion" had an element of campiness to it. "Priest" is really just melancholy dreck.

The answer to my question, of course, is that without the vampires, there'd be no movie. Paul Bettany stars as the titular priest who is forced back into action when a pack of bloodsuckers kidnap his young niece. He's joined by a young lawman (Cam Gigandet) and a Priestess (Maggie Q). Their enemy is a former priest (Karl Ubran) who has been transformed into a vampire-human hybrid. His name, as it is listed in the credits, is "Black Hat." This movie really needs to work on its characters' names.

The film is based on a series of graphic novels but, from what I've read, the connection is very thin. The foundation for a good story exists, particularly in the early parts of the movie, in which we see the dystopian society that is ruled by the church with a dictatorial fist. There is promise in these early scenes, in which we see the city's inhabitants living almost in a state of fear of those who hold power in the church. I can imagine that the graphic novels go into great detail here, as this would make for a very interesting backdrop for a story about a renegade priest out to rescue his niece (especially when it's against the orders of his holy superiors). But the movie has little to no interest in this. Instead we get wooden acting, terrible dialogue, and a surprisingly small amount of action scenes. And when these action scenes actually occur, they really come off as downright silly rather than stylish. It's not a good sign when the animated pre-title sequence is more fun than the movie itself.

As for the vampires, they look like something you'd encounter in the video game "Doom," just eye-less blobs of claws and teeth. I give the filmmakers some credit for trying to come up with a new look for their vampires, but these things are just so...bland. But then I guess they're in the right movie.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned...I watched this movie. Voluntarily. I can only guess what my penance will be.