Review of Poltergeist (2015) by Patrick C — 11 Jun 2015

This is why you don't mess around with classics, people. The original Poltergeist paired box office champion Steven Spielberg with Texas Chainsaw Massacre director Tobe Hooper. Hooper was just the right guy to amp up the terror on Spileberg's script, and Poltergeist became one of the great 80's classics, a horror masterpiece which earned three Oscar nominations for its special effects and Jerry Goldsmith's ethereal score. So what goes so wrong? Here are just ten things:

Your remake might suck if:

1) Your audience WANTS the poltergeist to kill the family because they are so pathetic in every respect compared to the upwardly mobile Freelings of the original. These losers are just more victims of economic down-sizing and bad decision-making.

2) The CGI bullshit isn't better those awesome early 80's visual effects.

3) Sam Rockwell decides to demonstrate once again why he'll never be a star. Dad still has it together enough to make a joke here and there while the supernatural forces try to devour his kid's soul. And I love when mom points out that they never meant to have a third kid. Nice.

4) You make the directorial decision to gut the heart of the film and just stick to the fast paced scary parts - which are no longer scary - widdling this nightmare down to 90 minutes of sheer boredom.

5) The teen-aged daughter acts like this is all so inconvenient, boring and also embarrassing - but oh wait, she can flirt with the older paranormal dude to resolve her daddy issues.

6) The kids are saddled with all the millennial angst modern children endure in today's security blanket world. In the original, those kids climbed the scary tree, rode their bikes without a helmet and ate gluten-stuffed Eggos for breakfast.

7) Even the neighbors are a downer. Instead of arguing over whose TV remote is screwing up the channels, these neighbors are swilling down wine and serving up veiled insults. "That neighborhood used to be nice - no offense.".

8) The paranormal investigators are dumber than a box of rocks. Jane Adams and Jared Harris make for an unappealing pair of wimps.

9) The ominous swimming hole is absent. What's up with that?

10) The late great Zelda Rubenstein - who played the house cleaner in the original - rises from her grave in a post-credits scene, removes her giant glasses and ends this farce with a poignant "Bitch, please.".