Review of Pan (2015) by Tommy D — 07 Nov 2015

"What the hell is going on here?" That's the question I kept asking myself every ten minutes or so while watching "Pan"; the latest big budget, studio CGI pukefest that attempts to re-launch an old yet very familiar franchise. And yep, you guessed it. It's ANOTHER ORIGIN STORY.

Have you ever seen a movie that seems to do everything wrong? I've seen quite a few. One can't help but have a strong reaction to it. The reaction can be boredom (Matrix 3), depression (Die Hard 5), or anger/frustration (anything by Eli Roth). With "Pan", my reaction was: confusion. I was all for a new Peter Pan series. There's so much potential with it and there are so many places to go and explore in the world of Neverland. Well, too bad that the movie doesn't seem interested in exploring the Pan universe other than a brown grimy mine, a bizarre "native" village, and a CGI fairy cave.

Peter Pan was always the boy who never grew up. He never wanted to grow up so he ran away from home, was then found by the fairy Tinkerbell who then took away to Neverland where he represents the spirit of eternal youth and learns to fly with the help of pixie dust and happy thoughts. That's not at all what this version is. Here, Peter is the son of a human woman and a fairy prince who is prophesized by the "natives" to return to Neverland and save the people from the tyrant pirate Blackbeard. No, not Captain Hook, Blackbeard. Blackbeard STEALS Peter and other orphans from World War II London during a bombing raid and takes them to Neverland to mine for pixie dust which grants him potential immortality. Peter escapes the mines with his new friend, James Hook, and joins the "native" village where they say Peter has three days to fly and prove that he is indeed the chosen one.

Uuugghh...

First off, I won't bother getting into how tired and lazy the "chosen one" story line is. Secondly, I can list at least ten different creative decisions off the top of my head that are just perplexing. Peter can fly on his own, Hook never loses his hand, all the mermaids have the same face, the mine workers' anthem is Nirvana's "It Smells like Teen Spirit" (I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP), Tigerlily is a pale British warrior with as little character as Princess Amidala or Anne Hathaway's Catwoman and her tribe is all multicultural. And when people get shot, they explode into tie-dye colored smoke bombs. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I do have to say, for all the criticism Garrett Hedlund is getting as Hook, he's actually the most memorable part of the movie. Weird? Oh yes. Annoying? Not really. He at least has a distinct personality even if his character isn't all that interesting.

The biggest sin this film commits is that there is rarely any sense of fun or adventure outside of a few flying pirate ship chases, which is what Peter Pan is all about. Everything that happens feels self serious, ponderous, and dry. The visual effects are MOSTLY pretty good and the climax is fun to watch, but it's too little too late. And the first scene where Peter flies has some of the most outdated CG I've ever seen, 2001 quality effects. What, did the money run out?

Pan isn't the worst movie I've seen this year. I'd still watch this over something like Chappie or Project Almanac, for it never made me angry like those films did. I'd say it's worth checking out as a rental out of curiosity.