Review of Murder by Death (1976) by Urban H — 25 Nov 2010

"By the time the world's greatest detectives figure out whodunnit... you could die laughing!".

"Whodunnit? You'll Die Laughing Figuring It Out!".

"You are cordially invited to dinner... and a murder!".

An eclectic cast, including Peter Sellers, Peter Falk, Eileen Brennan, James Cromwell, Alec Guinness, and author Truman Capote star in this comedy muder mystery, whose plot was probably a precursor to the great 80's film Clue (Which also starred Eileen Brennan).

All of the detectives in the film are parodies of the work of three authors: Dashiell Hammett, whose Nick Charles and Sam Spade were the basis for Dick Charleston and Sam Diamond, respectively; Agatha Christie, whose Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple inspired Milo Perrier and Miss Marbles; Earl Derr Biggers Charlie Chan was the basis for Inspector Sidney Wang and his son.

[Playing a game of deduction].

Sidney Wang: And you Mr. Charleston, did not approve of Mrs. Charleston dying her hair blond?

Dick Charleston: What do you mean?

Sidney Wang: Mrs. Charleston's hair red. You have blond hairs on shoulder. This means she has dyed red hair blond, then back again to red, or else you have been... So sorry, Wang is wrong.

Sam Diamond: I don't get it. First they steal the body and leave the clothes, then they take the clothes and bring the body back. Who would do a thing like that?

Dick Charleston: Possibly some deranged dry cleaner.

Milo Perrier: [after the lights have gone out in Twain's dining room] Be quiet everyone! I smell something! It's - Good God! - FRANKS AND BEANS!

Jamesir Bensonmum: I'm afraid that's all we have, sir.

Sam Diamond: Locked, from the inside. That can only mean one thing. And I don't know what it is.

Sidney Wang: It is late, and my eyes are getting tired.

Sam Diamond: I thought they always looked like that.

Jessica Marbles: Knock it off, Sam!

Sam Diamond: I apologize. This case is getting to me. I'm sorry, Slanty.

Sidney Wang: Um... thank you.

Dora Charleston: Mr. Diamond, there's a bullet hole in your jacket.

Sam Diamond: You should see the other guy.

Milo Perrier: I'm not a Frenchie, I'm a BELGIE!

Milo Perrier: What do you make of all of this, Wang?

Sidney Wang: Is confusing.

Lionel Twain: [from moose head] IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!

Willie Wang: Who do you think is the murderer?

Sidney Wang: Must sleep on it. Will know in morning when wake up.

Willie Wang: But what if you don't wake up?

Sidney Wang: Then YOU did it.

Jamesir Bensonmum: She murdered herself in her sleep, sir.

Dick Charleston: You mean suicide?

Jamesir Bensonmum: Oh no, it was murder, all right. Mrs. Twain HATED herself.

Miss Withers: Murderpoo?

Jessica Marbles: Yes, dear, we're going to have a lovely murderpoo.

Lionel Twain: That drives me crazy!

Sam Diamond: Sounds like a short ride to me.

[Hearing a knock at the door].

Dora Charleston: Oh, that's probably the cook. Come in!

Dick Charleston: Darling, the poor woman is stone deaf.

Dora Charleston: I'm sorry, I forgot. COME IN!

Dora Charleston: Is he dead?

Sam Diamond: With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off.

Lionel Twain: You've tricked and fooled your readers for years. You've tortured us all with surprise endings that made no sense. You've introduced characters in the last five pages that were never in the book before. You've withheld clues and information that made it impossible for us to guess who did it. But now, the tables are turned. Millions of angry mystery readers are now getting their revenge. When the world learns I've outsmarted you, they'll be selling your $1.95 books for twelve cents.

Dora Charleston: What a godforsaken spot to get lost!

Dick Charleston: I'm sure I saw a much better spot a few miles back.

Tess Skeffington: His mother was a Roman Catholic, his father was an Orthodox Jew. They were separated two hours after the.

Sam Diamond: No pinkies? You mean Twain has only got eight fingers?

Tess Skeffington: No, no, he's got ten. He just doesn't have any pinkies.

Dick Charleston: Up there, Dora, look - a blind butler.

Dora Charleston: Don't let him park the car, Dickie.

Sam Diamond: The last time that I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She said she was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France.

Lionel Twain: I'm the greatest, I'm number one!

Sam Diamond: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?

Dora Charleston: What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?

Tess Skeffington: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

Jessica Marbles: I smell gas!

Miss Withers: I can't help it, I'm old.

Jessica Marbles: No, not that kind of gas. The kind that kills!

Miss Withers: Well, sometimes my gas...

Sidney Wang: Conversation like television set on honeymoon: unnecessary.

Sidney Wang: Room filled with empty people.

Milo Perrier: He's gone!

Jessica Marbles: Who's gone?

Milo Perrier: The butler. Here's the key.

Sidney Wang: If butler gone, where you find key?

Milo Perrier: In his pocket.

Jessica Marbles: What pocket?

Milo Perrier: The butler's pocket.

Sidney Wang: Butler gone but pocket still there?

Sidney Wang: No pulse, no heartbeat. If condition does not change, this man is dead.

Jessica Marbles: I'm not one to use hyperbole, ladies and gentlemen but I'll tell you this, for the first time in my life I had the caca scared out of me!

Dora Charleston: Dickie, I like her I really like her!

Sam Diamond: Why don't you push her wheelchair down the driveway? We got business here!

Sam Diamond: Where were ya Wang, we was worried!

Sidney Wang: Oh, there, voice come from cow on wall...

Lionel Twain: Moose, moose you imbecile!

[a bomb is about to explode].

Sam Diamond: I've got an idea! I don't know if it will work but I've got to try. Turn around!

Tess Skeffington: I've turned, Sam.

Sam Diamond: Whatever you do, don't turn around until I say so.

Tess Skeffington: [turns around] But Sam...

Sam Diamond: I SAID TURN AROUND!

Tess Skeffington: Yes, Sam.

Sam Diamond: Good! Cause... I think... I'm gonna cry.

Sidney Wang: Very interesting theory, Mr. Charleston. However, leave out one important point.

Dick Charleston: What's that?

Sidney Wang: Is stupid. Is stupidest theory I ever heard.

Dick Charleston: [hanging up telephone] Sounded as though somebody snipped the wire.

Dora Charleston: Really? What did it sound like?

Dick Charleston: Snip.

Marcel: Something isn't right in all of this, eh. I can feel it in my buns.

Inspector Milo Perrier: Your what?

Marcel: My buns.

Inspector Milo Perrier: Buns? Your buns? You bought buns and you didn't tell me? Where are they? Where are the buns?

Marcel: Oh! No, monsieur. The BONES in my body.

Inspector Milo Perrier: You should not speak with an accent when you know I am so hungry.

Tess Skeffington: He had one daughter, thirty-two, her name's Irene, but she calls herself Rita.

Sam Diamond: Just like a dame.

Sam Diamond: That was then, this is now, and nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way things are, whether we like it or not.

Tess Skeffington: Oh, Sam, I worry about you sometimes. I really do.

Willie Wang: I don't hear nothin'. What do you hear?

Sidney Wang: Double negative, and dog.

Tess Skeffington: There's nothing on him 'til '46, when he was picked up in El Paso, Texas, for trying to smuggle a truckload of rich white Americans across the border into Mexico to pick melons.

Sam Diamond: I think we picked ourselves a queer bird, angel.

Sidney Wang: Did you see that?

Willie Wang: No.

Sidney Wang: Neither did I.

Jamesir Bensonmum: Oh, Yes. As you can see, I can see.

Sidney Wang: So I see.

Tess Skeffington: My feet are killing me. Why didn't you tell me we needed oil before I went back for gas?

Jamesir Bensonmum: Tell me, as the only survivor, how did you deduce it was me?

Sidney Wang: Went back to theory seldom used today: Butler did it.

Jamesir Bensonmum: Good evening. We have been expecting you.

Sidney Wang: Yes, but in what condition?

Sidney Wang: Someone gone great trouble to make welcome guests not so welcome. Ring bell, please.

Willie Wang: Are you nuts, Pop? Someone's tryin' to KILL us!

Sidney Wang: Yes! Should make exciting weekend. Ring, please.

Willie Wang: [sullen] I sure wish it was Monday morning.

Sam Diamond: Wouldn't you know, out of gas.

Tess Skeffington: I saw a station about five miles back, Sam.

Sam Diamond: [hands her a gas can] I want you to know I'm gonna be waitin' for ya, baby.

Sidney Wang: Big house like man married to fat woman: hard to get around.

Willie Wang: Here's the bridge, Pop. Doesn't look safe to me.

Sidney Wang: One way to find out. Drive across.

[gets out of car].

Willie Wang: Aren't you gonna come with me?

Sidney Wang: Weight of two men may be too much for bridge.

Willie Wang: Then why do I get to drive the car?

Sidney Wang: 'Cause I smart enough to get out first.

Jamesir Bensonmum: May I get your bags, sir?

Sidney Wang: Oh, no, no. Son will get bags. That is why I adopted him.

Willie Wang: [driving across rickety bridge] I don't think I'm gonna make it, Pop. It's gonna collapse.

Sidney Wang: Don't worry. Father find other way to house.

Sidney Wang: Mr. Twain has macabre sense of humor, yes?

Sidney Wang: What that?

[points to large cage in wall].

Jamesir Bensonmum: Oh, it's nothing, sir. Just the cat.

[loud barking and growling issues from cage].

Sidney Wang: That cat? You feed cat dog food?

Jamesir Bensonmum: I'm afraid he's a very angry cat, sir. Mr. Twain had him "fixed," and he didn't want to be.

Willie Wang: Holy Shanghai!

Dick Charleston: [inspecting their room] This dust is baking flour. And those cobwebs. Candied sugar. All placed here recently for the sole purpose of frightening us. And that mouse. Obviously a mechanical toy.

[picks up mouse and laughs].

Dick Charleston: Silly.

Dora Charleston: What is?

Dick Charleston: I am. It's real.

Inspector Milo Perrier: Since we cannot call for a doctor, I will need a cold compress for my chaffeur, and a cup of hot chocolate for me, n'est ce pa?

Jamesir Bensonmum: I don't think we have any Nespa, sir. Just Hershey's.

Sam Diamond: The lady here in the rented dress is my secretary and mistress, Miss Tess Skeffington.

Tess Skeffington: I don't feel good about this, Sam. Maybe tonight's the night your luck runs out.

Sam Diamond: Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel, and if tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart.

Sam Diamond: Now, if one of you gentlemen would be so kind as to give my lady friend here a glass of cheap white wine, I'm going down the hall to find the can. I talk so much sometimes, I forget to go.

Sam Diamond: I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentleman. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel?

Tess Skeffington: I don't care about the money, Sam.

Sam Diamond: Neither do I.

Sidney Wang: Never consider murder to be business, Mr. Diamond.

Sidney Wang: Quiet, please. Observe strange sounds.

[the room is filled with hideous death-groans].

Dora Charleston: Good God! The face! It's coming from the face!

[Sure enough, that agonized moaning issues from the African death-mask on the wall].

Dick Charleston: The victim of that tribal ritual, actually going through his final moments of death! What could it mean?

Jamesir Bensonmum: It means dinner is ready, sir. We have no gong.

Jamesir Bensonmum: Ten people for dinner and I'm serving them hot nothing. You can't get good help today.

[stumbling around during a blackout].

Dora Charleston: Dickie, don't. You know how I get when you touch me there.

Dick Charleston: Me, darling? I've got my hands in my pockets.

Sam Diamond: I'm afraid they're my pockets.

Dick Charleston: Oh, sorry about that.

Dora Charleston: Dickie, behave yourself.

Lionel Twain: I trust you've all been made comfortable?

Dick Charleston: Comfortable, Mr. Twain? You call poisoned wine and near decapitation comfortable?

Lionel Twain: No. I call it inspiration.

Sidney Wang: Have admired you ever since I was tiny little detective.

Sidney Wang: What meaning of this, Mr. Twain?

Lionel Twain: I will tell you, Mr. Wang, if YOU can tell ME why a man who possesses one of the most brilliant minds of this century can't say his *prepositions* or *articles!* "What IS THE," Mr. Wang! "What IS THE meaning of this?".

Sidney Wang: That what I said! "What meaning of this?".

Lionel Twain: How do I look so young? Quite simple. A complete vegetable diet, twelve hours sleep a night, and *lots* and *lots* of makeup.

Sam Diamond: You say you know who's going to get it?

Lionel Twain: Intimately.

Inspector Milo Perrier: And you know how the crime is to be committed?

Lionel Twain: Definitely.

Sidney Wang: And exactly what time murder to take place?

Lionel Twain: *The* murder. Precisely.

Dora Charleston: Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?

Sam Diamond: You pit your wits with me, little man, and you won't have your wits to pit with, know what I mean?

Dick Charleston: [after noticing that he is incorrectly seated next to his own wife, Charleston asks to switch places with Wang. An instant after they both stand up, two rapiers fall from the ceiling to bury themselves in the gentlemen's chairs] ... Just as I thought: another test that could have cost us our lives, saved only by the fact that I am ENORMOUSLY well-bred.

Sam Diamond: ...Lucky it wasn't me, or I'd be chopped liver by now.

Sidney Wang: [reading the new maid's note] "I think butler is dead. My name is Yetta. I don't work Thursdays.".

Sam Diamond: If you ask me, anybody that offers a million bucks to solve a crime that ain't been committed yet has lost a lot more upstairs than his hair.

Sidney Wang: Calm yourself. Man who argue with cow on wall is like train without wheels: very soon get nowhere.

Milo Perrier: Oh be quiet! I'm sick of your fortune cookies!

Sidney Wang: Oh, man who is sick of fortune cookies...

[argument ensues].

Sidney Wang: Shhh, shhh... cow talk again!

[everyone holds hands to prevent themselves from being killed].

Sam Diamond: Stop that. Stop that, I said.

Dick Charleston: What is it, Diamond?

Sam Diamond: The nurse is giving my palm the finger, the dirty old broad.

Lionel Twain: No wives! I refuse to discuss this with wives!

Inspector Milo Perrier: I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Sidney Wang: I like it, but do not understand it.