Review of John Carter (2012) by Heofon — 12 Mar 2012

One of the worst movies I've ever seen at the cinema, with the possible exception of Indiana Jones IV. Its only saving grace were the special effects and only when it came to scenery, not the aliens, who all looked like Jar Jar Binks wannabes. The lead actor was just awful, his acting was beyond bad, it was so horrid many people in the theatre were laughing when he delivered the cheesy one-liners with the earnesty of 5-year-old at a school play. Sure, he was pretty, like a Bravo-girl poster pretty, but is that really what it takes to be a fantasy lead? Where are the Han Solos of this generation? The lead actress was better, but not astonishingly so. The story was needlessly complicated and the emotional background for the main character was pointless and forced. The jokes were childish and not very amusing and the dialogues... dear lord, I want those two hours of my life back. I'm actually a life-long sci/fantasy fan, and I admire Burroughs and his fantasy balls of brass, so I wouldn't be so hard on the film (some of the CGI was nice), if it weren't for the amount of money wasted on it - 250 mil, plus 100 mil marketing - do you have any idea how many good movies, even only within the sci-fi/sci-fantasy genre, could've been made for that amount? But no, it was poured down this drain.

And worst part - there's idiots everywhere claiming the movie is awesome and anybody who doesn't like it is a "hater". I don't know what their motivations are, but their like die-hard McDonalds fans - the more you support it, the worse your health is. Let go of this tripe and try a decent sci-fi story once in awhile. Asimov will do for starters, Lem, too. Your choice though.