Review of Haywire (2011) by Yossgold — 08 May 2012

What do you get when you cross great Soderbergh cinematography with bad porn acting and script?

The most high-budgeted, star-studded action B-movie I've ever seen. Soderbergh REALLY half-assed this one. You get over Gina Cerano'sWhat do you get when you cross great Soderbergh cinematography with bad porn acting and script?

The most high-budgeted, star-studded action B-movie I've ever seen.

Soderbergh REALLY half-assed this one. You get over Gina Cerano's one-dimensional-line-reading acting (hey, if it worked for Arnold and Vin Diesel, why should we double-standard her?), it's already cemented that an action hero doesn't need to know how to act in Hollywood. But the whole story line feels unfinished and seems more like a draft than the final cut. The scenes are idiotic, the characters are none-dimensional (because one-dimensional is just too much) and the whole thing is just plain out lame!

Michael Douglas (I hate him but he's still a big name), Michael Fassbender, Ewan McGregor (can anyone remember his last good movie?), Bill Paxton, Channing Tatum, Michael Angarano (the only one that actually delivers his lines without sounding like he's in a school play in this whole thing), Antonio Banderas, Mathieu Kassovitz ... So many names ... for what!?!? You usually bring WWE stars to make these kinds of movies with, not Hollywood A&B-listers!!!

What's more, after reading the critic's reviews to this I can finally say: Hollywood, you've won! You've lowered the standards so much that this is an 80% fresh movie on RT! WOW!

I could fill the page writing all of the things that are just stupid and wrong about this movie, but there are just too many for it to be worth my time so instead I'll just say: Bad Steven, Bad! You know what? I dare you, I double-dare you to watch the movie all way through. I bet even you can't watch it!

Oh wait, in all fairness, the fight scenes are good. Not great, good.