Review of Goosebumps (2015) by Theforth6 — 14 Jan 2016

Now, I know what everyone reading this is thinking. And yes, the whole concept of giving this film a dirty zero, may shock some, "may". But in all reality, I'm not merely attention seeking. Because believe me, there are many attention whores out there, lurking on this web, giving dishonest and overall baffling reviews, especially when it comes to actual decent movies. Now, if you truly wish to continue reading this, get prepared, because I'm going all the **** out on this piece of ****ery film! And I don't give a jack **** about what you think, okay?

So, to begin on why I think this film deserves to suck on some sexy testicles sacks, I'll start with the overall concept they were trying to go for here. As you've already been informed, it's a film about the author of the original, unaltered Goosebump books. Now, I haven't actually read the books, yet. But I can tell they were mixing and searching through their best and brightest ideas, to ultimately create a classic of a film. And honestly, it could've been something to remember.

Jumanji did it much better. Here's why: it blandly panders to the teenage demographic, with frequent pop culture references and unnecessary and inappropriate jokes, that barely mix in with the actual film's true nature. For instance: the whole "new kid" on the block concept has been done in almost literally every 1980's/1990's movie. We're past this, this is 2015. Regardless, it's obviously ripping off many other films, most likely better than it.

Another bugger - Jack Black may have given it his all, and you can tell through his acting in this film. But he was still an overpaid, wasteful use in this title, only casting him because people will see it. And I did, sadly. And this, I just wanted to go back, watch all the wonders of our time. Is that truly too much to ask? Now, in truth and my current truth, we stand between the unnecessary and freaking stupid teenage society, bringing up the dumbness from our other (adult) culture. Considering everything, the CGI itself was pretty poor. Not the worse ever (cough, cough, Shark-****ing-nado), but still pretty poor. And the creatures themselves don't really get enough screen-time, well, except the giant praying mantis.

Another thing: the love story was worse than Twilight! Well, I mean, that's up for debate. Anybody wanna debate... I thought not. Anyway, you could see it coming from a mile away, about where they first mat. It's really cheesy, and just plain lazy story tale writing. With such great title recently, including decent love stories, this was a true shame and tragedy. And speak of tragedy, that "un"consensual kiss between the girl and the douchebag. So it's okay if a girl surprise kisses a dude, but not the other way around?! That's just the gateway to reverse rape! It's pretty poor morality, especially coming from a movie advertised generally by kids. It was expected, but she should've at least leaned in to show she was gonna snog him. I mean, you could obviously tell she looked like a spoiled, lousy tart! But even so, she should've have done that without giving another hint or saying first. Geez, what a dynamite whore! Terrible message. No woman on man mouth rape, thank you very much. If I were him, I'd hit that **** (Not really) But still.

Anyway, regardless of this, the movie still had some good. For example: it made you laugh unintentionally. But I'm not counting that, okay? So, what's the catch, eh? Welp. It's the principle, actually. It's a stupid teenage flick that only serves as pop culture, rather than real scars or enchantment. I was so confused with the emotions, honestly.

At the time: it was a beautiful day. There were children excited, seats all ready, as I walked into the theater. I lied back, and began watching this torture. With movies like these, directors who strive... SHOULD BE ****ING A DUCK,,,.

My final verdict for this poorly advertised flick of ****ery, made by morons, for other morons who disrespect the books and bring overall shame to our modern society. This film... gets a ****ing ZERO out of ten. Class dismissed - sincerely, a pissed off 8 year old.