Review of Gnaw (2008) by Vince K — 18 Oct 2009

British people are already so ugly that they look like monsters, so it should be no surprise that they're all cannibals too. I knew they liked to eat liver and kidneys but never realized before they were getting them from humans.

And national dish "Spotted Dick" is probably just some guys dick cut off and baked in sugar (which British people obviously use to brush their teeth with). I'm not trying to knock cannibalism though, I've always wanted to try it.

I've heard human meat tastes great. When I go with my friends to England, and we get captured by cannibals (which will definitely happen if you go there), I'd hope the killer lets me try some of my friends meat before offing me.

I'd let my friends eat me too though. I want my funeral to be a barbecue where everyone gets to try some of me. Gnaw is about a group of friends who take a trip to a bed & breakfast in the English countryside, and they get killed off one by one by a cannibal in this lame, predictable movie.

All the treats the house offers are made from humans, and they are all next on the menu. I had a beef about the scene where the foot is being shoved into the meat grinder. I mean, you're grinding up the bone into it too? Who the fuck would eat that?! You have to debone body parts before you put them in the meat grinder.

And it's funny when the guy (the ugliest of the bunch, even though the census is that he's the most attractive) yells at his girlfriend over getting pregnant, screaming "I will not FUCK UP my life!", and then he gets captured a minute later and tortured to death.

I'd say that pretty much fucked up his life right there. Gnaw sucks, but it's mercifully short (only an hour and 10 minutes long). And if you want to check out a good new British horror movie, rent Mum and Dad instead.

It's really fucked up, and way better.