Review of Frozen (2013) by Han S — 23 Mar 2015

Where do I begin? Great animation, really good characters, AMAZING voice actors,.

And probably the best soundtrack ever in an animated movie, this is easily the best Disney movie ever. I'd definitely give the lion king 5 stars.

Now that that's out of the way, I guess it's time to talk about this piece of sh*t.

We saw this movie for my sister's birthday, and at first at actually looked pretty good. It had high ratings, the trailer actually looked pretty good. I mean seriously all I knew was it was an animated film with snowman. How bad could it be? but HOLY F**K!!!

I swear to God I have never been so bored in a movie theater. I think I actually might of prayed to God to take my life. Have you ever seen the face of the devil? I had cause I had just watched f*cking frozen. I mean really, the OK scene from the trailer wasn't even in it, and the snowman, holy sh*t, was more annoying than my 10 year old cousin talking about Justin Ball-less-Bieber! I mean and every time the snowman said carrot, it sounded like mother-f**king innuendo.

Warning, Rant:----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

And I didn't know that they would be singing the entire f*cking time. I mean granted it's a disney movie so duh there's probably gonna be a couple songs, but it was literally every 5 minutes and every song SUCKS!! I mean really there is not one good song. I mean really the first song is literally a bunch of slaves singing about ice... REALLY??

And there's actually a song called... and I qoute "reindeers are better than people"- are you f*cking kidding me!!?

And don't even get me started on do you wanna rape a queer-man or whatever the hell it's called.______________________________________________________________________.

Now that that's over with, I will now calmly break down why the devil masturbates to "do you want to build a snowman.".

Song begins: whiny sister asks other douche if she wants to build a snowman. they build snowmen, everything's good until suddenly elsa's freezes anna's penis off (oh wait, she's a girl, I'll touch on this point later) then skip thru 20 minutes or so, basically some trolls just rape her mind, so she doesn't remember sh*t.

Then anna asks to build a snowman for a second time, and elsa gives her the "cold shoulder" (see what I did there, psh) so then she pouts of to hit puberty, while the movie messily glosses over that all of a sudden the parents die. How did they die? Nobody knows cause the movie glosses over everything important.

Then after years of whining about building a snowman, anna comes back when she's like 17 or whatever and asks to build a snowman AGAIN!!!! She doesn't want to build a MOTHER-F**KING SNOWMAN, GET OVER IT BITCH!!

Things wrong with this song: Teaches kids to be persistent nags and ruined snowmen forever.

Also elsa freezes the door or some sh*t and somehow anna doesn't feel it... REALLY??

Now that I've dealt with that I think it's time to basically just rip apart the character of anna all together. Nothing except her vibrator drives that bitch cause her G*d-Damn motive is always f*cking changing. I mean really she's like 17 at this point not 12, she should already know what she wants to f*cking do. Then she starts singing for the first time in forever which I swear to god is note for note I see the Lights from tangled, but when you think about it the movie is really just a repeat of tangled except done ALOT worse. think about:

Girl is stuck inside a castle, a girl meets up with a guy and his quirky animal friend to go on an adventure no one gives a sh*t about- you get the idea.

So then Anna meets the "love of her life" or something and they f*ck on the first date... REALLY?? I don't know, maybe they were just really drunk or something, and hans was just singing Let It Go as he had an orgasm. then the big twist hans is her father, wait wrong movie (plus that would be pretty creepy since they just porked and what not. I don't know he probably is since he's such a douche bag drifter or whatever, who knows maybe he donated a bunch of sperm to some clinic in the 90's and annas parents couldn't bang properly and used his, ok screw it, this review is getting to "in depth" (get it, hehehe).

Basically he drops that big F**k You to Anna at the end. and the movie writes all men off as evil, bla bla.

Whatever you get the idea, anna is a total dumbass and for the first time in forever is just her horny sex anthem.

On the subject of dumb male supporting characters, holy sh*t... I mean there's a same sex couple between a dude and a reindeer. On the gay subject the end of this movie sucks it's like at the last five minutes of the movie the screen writers were all of a sudden like.

[Executive Douche 1: Oh.. sh*t we gotta wrap this up so we can make a theater cut, and sh*t everything's still frozen.

Executive Douche 2: Hey how about love can melt the snow?

Executive Douche 1: seems good, if people are dumb enough to like this movie in the first place they'll probably by that.

Executive Douche 2: True.

Executive Douche 1: Ok so to melt the snow the movie will close with Hans and anna having some steamy sex to close everything off.

Executive Douche 2: Well first due to are rules of rights in the disney company we can only have sex thru shadows, and we can't exactly put a porn insert into a family film, and plus we already wrote hans off as a douche bag traitor. I'VE GOT IT how about elsa and anna, plus if we run with that we can make Frozen 2 off there new found lesbian love?

Executive Douche 1: ah good enough.].

It's just like the they were going overtime and the movie had to end, so they just tied it off in a stupid little bow of lesbian plot connivence.

Also nobody could give less of a sh*t about these dumbass characters.

The only people who do are 12 year old girls just hitting puberty who sympathize with them just cause they mentioned chocolate.

Honestly you don't really give a f**k if they unfreeze everything or not, you don't care about the characters, I mean this ain't G*d-Damn Forrest Gump or anything.

Most of this is cause the writers don't know how to do jack-f**k with execution to really make you give the tiniest amount of a sh*t.

Main Problems:

No Main Character.

Sexist Overtones and Lesbian Message.

The Special Effects Are So G*d-Damn Polished That the Snow Looks Like Semen.

Annoying Little Snowman.

Overhyped and Overhauled as Sh*t.

Let It Go Is Actually Just an Anthem for Gay People (and the title is just innuendo for masturbation).

No Antagonist.

Creepy Messages Within the Songs.

Same Sex Couple Between Humans and a Reindeer.

Elsa Staying In Her Room = Lesbian Hiding In the Closet.

Basically Frozen is just the AIDS of our modern day cinema. Don't See It.