Review of Four Rooms (1995) by Kieran T — 01 Jan 2009

Ok lets be clear here. 2 stars is for the overall film and the experience. its totally crap overall, and one of the issues is the Tim Roth character. Maybe it would have turned out better if Buscemi played it like he was originally meant to, but anyway. Here are my individual reviews:

1. The Missing Ingredient: 0 Stars.

Yep thats right. I created a new review system for The Missing Ingredient. One that allows you to give 0 stars as this is the WORST 20 MINUTES OF ANYTHING EVER FILMED IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. Holy Fuck Allison Anders I want to Rape you in the Face while simultaneously pouring liquid acid on your heart. Nobody, NOBODY, ever deserves to watch this piece of shit ever again. The film stock of this segment needs to be burned and then the ashes must be fed to a cat which is then burned alive and its ashes fed to a bigger cat which is then burned alive and then its ashes are fed to an even bigger cat, continue this process for 3,250 cats and you may come close to ridding the world of this godawful piece of filmmaking.

2. The Wrong Man: 0.5 Stars.

Jennifer Beals is so fucking bad in this, but its Alexandre Rockwells use of Tim Roth that is even worse. This segment is fucking shit and the 3 second crossover it has with The Misbehavers almost taints that work of art with its stench of shit.

3. The Misbehavers: 5 Stars.

I am, right here, right now, proclaiming this 25 minute Rodriguez skit to be one of the greatest things ever filmed. It is downright superb and should have been released in theatres on its own as a short film. It is fantastic. Banderas is brutally awesome and this has a much better tone than the Spy Kids films that followed it. But the main ingredient in this masterpiece is the performance of Lana McKissack. She is almost, almost, as good as my favourite performance of the year by Catinca Untaru. She is magnificent, cute, intelligent, the most perfect child performance I have ever seen on film. I loved this segment. Not only is this a good Rodriguez film, this is a fantastic film in general. And I hate, I fucking hate that I have to give Four Rooms 2 stars due to everything else that surrounds this absolutely sucking so much ass its not even funny.

4. The Adjoining Segments: 1.5 Stars.

Ok there are some other little scenes that surround the 4 main stories, notably the gay ass opening animations, the introductory Tim Roth scenes which are terrible, but the little Marisa Tomei segment wasnt too bad. Not due to Tomei who seems to have given alot more crap performances than I ever realised, and definately not due to the '24'-like conversation with Kathy Griffin, but due to the first ok delivery from Roth as he dons a British accent.

5. The Man from Hollywood: 2 Stars.

The worst thing Tarantino has ever made. This is so crap I am probably even overrating it at 2 stars to be honest. I really have nothing to say about this segment. Apart to repeat what I said about Tarantino on Death Proof. Tarantino is not a Rodriguez. He needs times to develop his films. When he rushes, its turns out not very Tarantinoish at all. And Quentin please stop stepping in front of the Camera. I beg you.

Overall: Ok I absolutely recommend this to anyone. And by Recommend I mean skip to the 41st minute of the film and watch until the 65th. Because that segment is a work of art.