Review of Don't Touch If You Ain't Prayed (2005) by Josh G — 24 May 2009

It's difficult to tell whether Don't Touch if You Ain't Prayed is supposed to be taken seriously, or if it's all one gigantic joke.

It's about Pamela, a 40-year old virgin. Yes, that phrase is used several times throughout the film. Pamela is a virgin because of her strong Christian beliefs, which keep her from having sex with a man who is not her husband. She's finding it more and more difficult to live the life that she's been living, because she feels like she is strange: a virgin who still lives at home with her parents at age forty. Meanwhile, her sister and friends are all getting it jiggy all the time, if you know what I'm saying. And they're not shy about it, either. Pamela's friend Margaret explains why she likes "the dark meat" while they are having lunch together. "You know what they say," Margaret explains, "the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice." Yes, this movie does not shy away from crude sexual references like that.

There's also more swearing in this supposedly Christian film than any other Christian film I've seen (and I have seen my fair share, believe you me). But anyway, Pamela uses her time at work to search a Christian dating service website and meets up with Jordan. Jordan seems like the perfect guy: a Christian man who is unbelievably rich and remarkably sweet. Even though Pamela's family treats them both like seventeen-year olds, Jordan dates Pamela for a month. She never does get to meet go to his house during this time, probably due to the fact that he is married - to an alcoholic woman whom he regularly threatens to beat. Also, he explains that he is in the, um, ahem, uh, pharmaceutical business. But we all know what kinda "pharmaceuticals" he's peddling. So, you know, yeah. He's a great Christian man.

When Pamela tells Jordan that she is a virgin and doesn't want to have sex with him while they are picnicking in her parents' front yard, he throws a tantrum and storms away. Will this match made in Heaven be mended?

Don't Touch if You Ain't Prayed was definitely made on a low budget. The actors are terrible and the sound is often worse. Sometimes a character will say a line, pause for an unnatural length of time, and then finish their line. There is a dumb R&B track playing in the background of practically every scene, but it cuts out occasionally. Plot points are ridiculous, the ending is unbelievable.

I have to assume that the movie is serious, because I found it in the "Christian" section at the rental store and because I can't believe that anybody would intentionally make a movie as badly as this one was made, not at least without making it clear that the intention was to parodize Christian cinema. There's no compelling reason to believe that the makers of DTIYAP are anything but sincere. Which makes the movie that much more hilarious.

It's the kind of stupendously stupid movie that has to be seen to be believed.