Review of Cosmopolis (2012) by Adam G — 06 Jul 2013
Poor, trod-upon screenplay. You were quirky and cerebral, and did not deserve to die screaming behind the vacant eyes of Robert Pattinson. I shall mourn your reflections on the nature of capitalism and altruistic motives, knowing that your words could have shone like the sun were it not for one astoundingly awful performance, tirelessly stabbing you right in the Courier New balls.
No, don't defend him! Wasn't it you that said he schlepped through each of your scenes with only slightly more charisma than an oyster cracker? Well, I don't think it would be overstating it to say that he RUINED EVERYTHING FOREVER AND SHOULD BURN IN ACTOR HELL! .
..You're right...he didn't deserve that. Entirely. I'm not sure it IS reasonable, as you've suggested, to assume that some sort of casting-related blackmail was involved. DOES Robert Pattinson have a video of David Cronenberg getting his salad tossed by a roofied aardvark? I don't know.
And frankly, I find that sort of speculation distasteful. Very! Juliette Binoche and Paul Giamatti did your pages proud with compelling, nuanced performances. That'll sustain you until the remake, right? Right? Hello?!
This review of Cosmopolis (2012) was written by Adam G on 06 Jul 2013.
Cosmopolis has generally received mixed reviews.
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