Review of Cemetery Man (1994) by Cassie J — 04 Oct 2010

"What a Ride!" is often used to embrace a well made film. Well, when I use "what a ride" regarding Cemetery Man, I mean that, Lord Jesus. I wanted to get off this fawkin' ride about 20 minutes in.

I imagine it like I was a cat who knew he was going to get neutered and I had a 140 minute car ride ahead of me. First off, I'm absolutely, entirely, (emphatic word here), fed the fawk up with comedic horror/Zombie films.

What's the deal folks? Is it that nobody has the intelligence to write anything good anymore? No, I don't think so; there is great Zombie literature out there. Do I think that somewhere between the writing stage and the actual filming someone with no balls pulls back when things get a little too 'touchy.

' Yes, I actually do. Hell, maybe I am looking in the wrong places, but I was told that Cemetery Man was one of the 10 best Zombie Movies Ever! Fawk, Lucio Fulci probably made 10 Zombie movies alone, and they are all better than this.

Ahhh, I miss Fulci. Anyway, the film is about a stud-type guy living with a mute retard who own a graveyard. They also live in this graveyard and 'protect' this yard. There is really no rhyme or reason to how people become Zombies: after seven days a corpse either rises from the dead or it stays dead.

Simple enough, no? Well, our hero (Rupert 'The Abs' Everett) falls in love with a girl (an original concept in cinema) whose husband died. Guess if the dead husband comes back as a Zombie!!! 3.

...2.....1....YUP! Mind-blowing isn't it? So, he bites his mourning wife, sending her six feet under and our hero mopping around the graveyard. Did, I also mention that the mute retard (Italian guy whose name I can't spell) falls in love with the HEAD of a Zombie corpse? Oh I didn't? Well, he does.

And, in true romantic fashion, she wants to marry the dumbie before her skin decomposes (I think this is the idea for next year's The Bachelor). That's enough shitty recap. The problem? It's neither funny, scary, nor as 'crazy' as it sounds.

I've stated my disgust at the comedic Zombie turn (Shaun and Fido were great), but the last scary Zombie film, or decent Zombie film, would be 28 Days Later or the Dawn of the Dead Remake (who knows what the things are in 28 Days, but let's call them Zombies).

I'm here to say it, fast Zombies SUCK. Now we're getting into more of a virus debate, but the slow undead - not knowing how or why they come back to life - is scary shit! I know that you know the name 'Night of the Living Dead' even if you haven't seen the film.

Take a guess why. So, ya, this film is not funny, and not scary. Now, if you're coming out of Italy with a Zombie film, you have AT LEAST 50+ years of crazy, literally psychologically insane, films to deal with.

Cemetery Man doesn't even scratch the surface of crazy. So, what do us Zombie fans do? Re-watch The Beyond or Zombie 2 and wait for the adaption of Brook's World War Z. Eat. Pray. Love. Zombie.