Review of Blue Velvet (1986) by Brett B — 20 Feb 2011

If you come up to me and tell me you don't like Blue Velvet, I'll garrote your testicles with a shop tool and disown you as an acquaintance. Allow me a handful of sentences to explain my emotional attachment to this fucked up movie.

A suburban average Joe cuts his lawn on a beautiful day, splashing the cocksucking family dog with some water and advertising a shiteating grin to the other neighbors over a relaxing '50s tune, before an aneurysm forces his face against the grass- where the camera continues downward into the deep layers of the lawn to show a grotesque family of insects swarming over one another with the most disturbing sound effects I've ever heard in a film raping the soundtrack.

David Lynch refuses to pull the curtains back on his imagery, but I think this example is self-explanatory- and the most powerful of visual metaphors I've ever seen. You want your conservative cosmic view smashed? Watch this film with an open mind.

This IS David Lynch's masterpiece. The reason this movie is so sentimental to me is because it addressed the long standing, frustrating subjects I had infesting my head for a coon's age: love, passion, angst, relationships ranging from flings to friends to parents and finding one's place in the world- coming of age.

From an artistic point of view, the film is damn-near perfect- with the exception of a few underdeveloped characters and situations (which would've been addressed had Lynch been given his 4 hour cut opposed to the studio mandated 2 hour one.

Motherfuckers). The pacing, character development, tonal transition from beautiful to bleak, musical selection- I've got it real damn bad for this movie. Not only is it a cinematic masterpiece with an everlasting statement that will resonate with the viewer for a lifetime, but a pristine example of true beauty and the meaning of love.

Now stop sucking the cock of every 23 year old frat boy that crashes the high school party you're attending before creating Facebook statuses along the lines of "y is love soooo complicated lol :(" after receiving a text message from the above-mentioned prick in the middle of a Jersey Shore rerun explaining you two can no longer see each other because his other 15 year old girlfriend found out and WATCH THIS GODDAMN MOVIE.