Review of Agora (2009) by Robert L — 29 Mar 2012

Sort of a Passion of the Christ for people who aren't raving fanatics, and not anywhere near as hilariously brainless as Gibson's extended roadside drunk rant about Joos, Agora is gorgeous and wonderfully done and it'll never make a dime in the United States.

The reason's the same as why the story of the Christians destroying the Library of Alexandria runs through the blood of every agnostic and atheist: the tale shows one of the many, many times throughout history when the Christians were the Cylons. The Catholic Church has already protested in Spain, where the film has seen theatrical and video release, that it "promotes hatred of Christians and reinforces false clichés about the Catholic Church." (That should sound familiar if you, say, participated in Draw Mohammed Day.).

Luckily, it doesn't look like it's going to get a general release in the United States, so the kinds of Christians likely to piss their pants won't even notice it. Poor Alejandro Amenabar has the worst luck with his generally excellent movies, I swear to god. Whoever turned him loose on a costume epic was a genius, and the movie, visually, is stunning. Filled with gods-eye views in which people become swarms of ants and rats and all the lost ancient wonder you'd ever need, some of the dramatic add-on drags, but mostly the film's brisk and captivating.

I say check it out, especially if your mind is relatively unshackled by ancient superstition. Otherwise, the movie will just piss you off somehow. Try not to blow anything up while storming out of the theater with steam coming out of your ears, you ambassadors of peace and love, you.