Review of 10,000 BC (2008) by Jimmy B — 24 Oct 2010

As many times before Roland Emerich has made a turkey of epic proportions. The script is stupid at best and full of inconsistencies.

Still, it's an OK adventure movie if you can see past the gaping holes in the script. I have after all seen worse movies!

The following list was shamelessly copied from IMDB, Flixster's older, smarter sister.

SPOLIER WARNING!

1. When you walk down a tundra mountain, you'll end up in a rainforest. When you go a little further, you'll end up in the desert.

2. Dinosaurs did not become extinct, they were turned into giant birds instead.*.

3. There is no difference between the palaeolithic period, the neolithic period and ancient Egypt, it's all the same and existed simultaneously.

4. It only takes a few fagg0ts with long fingernails to enslave thousands of tribal warriors.

5. When you throw a spear to a god-king from a long distance, he will make no attempt to dodge, nor will any of his associates drag him to safety.

6. When your enemies threaten to kill your love, rush towards them screaming, they will be too confused to do anything to her.

7. When someone abducts you on his horse, stab him in the kidneys, but make sure he has no bow hidden somewhere when you walk away from him.

8. Female tribal shamans had telepathic connections to other girls and could use them to transfer life energy.

9. The first handcuffs were made from wood, not from metal.

10. A trapped, wounded and hungry sabertooth tiger is perfectly reasonable: He will acknowledge any attempt to save his life, he will be grateful for being set free and will not eat you, he will even show up later to help you.

11. When you witness 1 man take on and defeat the (long nailed) leader and an army of an entire civilization, go ahead and try to make a break for it with his girl. You'll probably get away with it.

12. When you abduct the hero's girl on your horse, make sure to tie her up properly (for speed's sake use your practical wooden handcuffs), so she cannot stab you in the kidneys.

13. Falling off a galloping horse to stony floor is not dangerous at all and will not harm you.

14. Being stabbed in your kidneys does not cause intense pain, you'll still be able to take out your bow and fire an arrow within seconds.

15. Mammoths come with a build-in hero-safety gene, they will never step on a hero, so it's perfectly safe for him to run into their herd.

16. If you kill the 'god' that is enslaving thousands of people to build a pyramid for him, apparently they'll finish building it anyways.

17. Blind people used to live in the ground.

18. There were only 2 women in those days. One old bag, one plain Jane.

19. Sticks (spears) used to be all the rage in the fashion world.

20. Mammoths are just brown elephants.

21. Thowing a guy 30 feet off the side of a pyramid will kill him instantly.

22. Mammoths could run! (They surely stole this from George of the Jungle)... (Elephants can only walk, not run... and we've already learned that mammoths were just brown elephants).