Review of xXx: Return of Xander Cage (2017) by Thequietgamer — 23 May 2017

What the heck did I just watch? The first xXx was a spy movie aimed at the teenage male audience. Explosions, extreme sports, and over glorification of video games and masculinity with attitude. This sequel sees the return of Vin Diesel in the starring role. Yet, this is a very different movie than the one he was in way back in 2002. Apparently the people behind the movie wanted to make things as gonzo as possible this time around. It has one the most bizarre tones I have ever witnessed in a movie. Things get so ludicrous you really have no idea what to expect at any given moment.

The action scenes are really the only thing that feel like the first xXx. Watching Diesel skateboard and motorbike his way through gunfire and pull off implausible stunts hearken back to the movie that started this series. Even then though this film goes even more over-the-top. Even when it's unbelievable as heck, it's an absolute blast to watch the bullets fly, cars crash, and whatever other crazy crap the movie has in store for us, which is quite a bit.

The plot is an absolute sugar rush. Xander Cage puts together a team of other xXx members and sets off to retrieve Pandora's Box, a device that causes satellites to crash from orbit, and avenge the death of a friend. The ensemble cast comes together great. Obviously Diesel gets the spotlight, but the other members of his team are given plenty of chances to shine. This is something last year's Suicide Squad movie could have taken note from. There are actually a lot of characters in this movie. Cage interacts with various contacts who just sort of come and go with little idea as to how they know each other. The plot itself is ridiculous. It features so many people changing sides and moves at a breakneck pace. It's all done with a tongue-in-cheek style that carries over into the dialog. It revels in it's own goofiness. This leads to a sense of unpredictability that's unlike any other action movie I've watched. You half-expect it to have laser sharks at a moments notice. It doesn't, but if it did you wouldn't bat an eye. Things are certainly dumb, but at least you'll never be bored.

The acting in this isn't the strongest. Surprisingly Diesel himself feels the most out of place. His age really shows here. He seems too old to be playing this skateboarding, trash talking, tattooed wise-cracker. So like for the first hour or so every attempt to make him seem cool just ends up being kind of dorky. Xander Cage is more personable this time around, and Diesel is just better at playing more reserved action heroes. You eventually get used to it though and Diesel slip into the role better. Of course I may have too busy watching in disbelief at all of the crazy crap happening around him.

One of the most absurd, crazy movies I have ever watched. Complete with subpar acting and dialog so bad you can't help but love it. The movie knows it's low-grade schlock though and has a lot of fun with that fact. As a result viewers can as well if they let themselves just get lost with the madness of what they are watching. The people behind this had to be clinically insane to even come up with half of this stuff. None of this changes the fact that it's not really a "good" movie. Just one that hasn't got a dull moment. For me, that makes it kind of a guilty pleasure. The kind of movie I like in spite of myself and could actually see myself watching again. Who knows, maybe you'll feel the same way. If you aren't the type to have brainless fun though, don't even bother. 6.