Review of Watchmen (2009) by Garhett B — 01 Feb 2016

I do not understand this film at all, and it's too freaking long to want to watch it again to try to get a better grasp on it. To me, it comes off as way too full of itself, like it wants to be this super-gritty, definitive, epic story for the ages, when honestly, it's a really stupid story. And that's fine, so is the Avengers, but at least the Avengers doesn't act like an emo teenager, convinced that it's different and the world just doesn't understand.

Ok, so let me start with what I see to be the core issue: There is literally nothing to relate to in this film. We open narration from Rorschach, which would seem to indicate that he's somehow the protagonist. The problem is that a protagonist ought to be relatable, and while Rorschach starts somewhat relatable, the audience very quickly divorces themselves from the character about the time he starts butchering criminals in absurdly gory ways. So maybe Batman 2.0 (I think his name was Owlman but no one ever uses the names of anyone but Dr. Manhattan and Rorschach so I honestly don't remember) is the main character? The problem is that he's such a blank slate and hardly reacts to anything in any sensible way that he's completely unidentifiable as a character.

And to top it off, right after the first fight scene, which is completely in the dark (because action I can't see is totally exciting /s), we're told that this universe we're in diverges from ours as early as WWI. This means that by the time of the film in the 1980s, the universe is completely unrecognizable. In other words, the audience has no investment in the universe. Richard Nixon elected for a third term? Why? Do people like Nixon? Why not make an alternate reality where Kennedy doesn't get killed? At the very least, people would be cheering for him.

People say that one will appreciate the film more if you read the graphic novel, but to me, the core story is so unrelatable, grasps at so many straws, is unnecessarily dark and gritty, takes itself way too seriously, and is just so generally stupid and nonsensical that I see no way this can be redeemed. Just think about this: In a completely replicatable lab accident, a human is transformed into a godlike entity. The hidden villain of the film proves he can replicate this. Yet, rather than make himself a god, he instead just nukes a bunch of people, proving that he's just another dumb comic book villain, and yet the film tries to play him off as this great visionary.

I really just want my three hours back.