Review of Van Helsing (2004) by Spangle — 02 Dec 2016

Okay so this movie is stupid. Like, really stupid. All about Count Dracula needing the body of Frankenstein's monster to give life to his children, Van Helsing is a pure mess of a movie and really off-the-wall. With horrific dialogue and bad effects, this one is just a recipe for disaster. However, its campy inclinations and embracing of its more ludicrous elements by bringing them to their completion is what really makes this one a film packed to the brim with raucous entertainment. That said, the everlasting question of the film is: how bad is life in Transylvania? It is bad enough being neighbors with Dracula. However, to accept that the vampires will kill and eat one or two people every once in a while to sustain themselves as a fact of life and an ideal situation is really terrifying. How bad were things before they struck a deal with Dracula?

Featuring Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing, the famed archenemy of Dracula, the film tells the story of Gabriel Van Helsing having to go to Transylvania in order to kill Dracula. He is to help save the Valerious bloodline, as they will be stuck in purgatory as a result of their failure to kill Dracula, who was one part of their bloodline before he struck a deal with the devil. By the time he arrives, however, only Anna (Kate Beckinsale) is alive. As with all of Beckinsale's more ludicrous roles, Van Helsing is unafraid to utilize her sex appeal with tight clothing, revealing dresses, and tons of ass shots. She is also largely a damsel in distress here finding herself in situations where men must come and save her. However, the one character I did love, other than Van Helsing himself, is Frankenstein's monster (Shuler Hensley). A compassionate figure in this installation, he was created against his will and, yet, now that he is here, all he wants is to live. Highly sympathetic, it is hard to root against the classic monster in this film.

On the flip side, Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) is very easy to root against. Wholly evil, Dracula's large breasted concubines often do his bidding and are truly horrifying to look upon. The special effects on their bat forms are really quite bad and stand out as some of the worst, aside from Mr. Hyde, who is certainly the worst. This said, Dracula himself is well costumed and truly menacing. Roxburg instills him with a stoic deviousness. However, the best part of Dracula is the mythology here. From the ice castle to the missing script to his back story with Van Helsing, it is all very engrossing. With small details sprinkled throughout the film, director Stephen Sommers really does handle the story quite well at times. Though silly and over-the-top, there is a common thread here that binds it all together.

Yet, the film cannot get out of its own way. Not only is the acting horrific by Beckinsale and David Wenham, but so is the script. Deviating and often unfocused, the script is over-written, too long, and far too wordy. Though the story does often exceed these problems, it occurs far too sparingly to ignore the issues with the script. Even worse, the conclusion is embarrassing.

SPOILERS.

After killing her as a werewolf, Van Helsing buries Anna. As she is finally reunited with her family, we see a vision of her being reunited with her family in the sky and gravitating towards the light. Yikes.

END SPOILERS.

Often really dumb, Van Helsing can also be incredibly fun. Campy, silly, and over-the-top, it is hard to defend the stupidity of the plot, though I really liked the mythology. Unlike other movies of this ilk that came out in the early 2000s such as Underworld, its mythology is its only strength. In Underworld, we had over-the-top, yet solid acting. Solid special effects. And a lot of fun. Here, we get some good fun, but everything else is just so bad it hurts.