Review of Valhalla Rising (2009) by Marc S — 29 May 2015

A film in which a group of Norsemen prove their famed ocean-going navigational skills by setting off for The Holy Land and ending up in the Americas. Not only are this group of Vikings incompetent, they are also dull to the point that I only realised that one of them was actually two different people when he happened to stab the other.

This film is mind-numbingly awful, turgid in fact. I really didn't care about any of the characters, least of all "One Eye" the supposed central figure, who utters not a single word during the whole movie.

His thoughts being given voice by by his companion, a young boy, whom I could willingly have thrown off one of the numerous brooding cliffs into a fjord moments after meeting him. There's an horrific amout of violence, bloody and gory in parts, scattered throughout this sorry tale which gives the impression that life in medieval Scandinavia was little short of dreadful all of the time.

I found the central plot point of the mission to fight in the crusades, lead by a man who was clearly deranged to be completely unconvincing and I was very relieved when the end credits finally rolled by after what seemed like an eternity spent in the company of some very unpleasant people.