Review of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) by Domgwy — 18 Dec 2017

Valerian and the City of A Thousand Planets is perhaps the greatest example of style over substance in modern film history.

Luc Besson is such a huge fan of the comic book source material he has worked tirelessly to bring the film to the big screen, seeking funding from multiple independent bodies to make it the most expensive indie movie of all time. Unfortunately for the director, the end result is an absolute mess.

The film starts with a spectacular montage telling 400 years of exposition as the titular city slowly grows from an Earth space station. Soundtracked by David Bowie’s Space Oddity, this is by far the best sequence of the film. Unfortunately, it’s all down hill from there.

Despite some genuinely great visual artistry, Valerian is spoiled by stilted dialogue, a meandering plot and two horribly miscast leads.

It’s hard to think of an on-screen couple with less chemistry than Dane DaHaan and Cara Delevingne as Valerian and Laureline.

After the initial exposition of the opening scenes, it is their relationship that is the key focus of the film, with the plot very much secondary.

Unfortunately, the pair have no spark whatsoever and just sort of say their lines at each other in wooden, bland exchanges that are often cringe worthy and painful to watch.

Dane DeHann can be good, his performance in Chronicle gave us a glimpse at a realistic super-villain origin story, and for the first half of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 he made a pretty credible Harry Osborne. Here though it becomes clear that ‘swash-buckling, womanising, space agent’ is not in his repertoire. The actor is just lacking that elusive quality that you can’t really teach — charisma.

Delevingne is another story all together. At this point I’ve seen two of her cinematic outings — last year’s Suicide Squad and now Valerian. So for me, she is two for two in terms of god awful, wooden and almost film killing performances. It’s hard to get into specifics but from what I can tell she doesn’t seem to get how ‘acting’ works beyond wearing the clothes she’s told to wear and saying the words she’s told to say. As I said though, I haven’t seen Paper Towns for all I know she could be great, judging by Valerian though, it doesn’t look likely.

As the film moves on the plot about the wrongful near extinction of a species fades into the background. When it does resurface the plotting and painfully basic dialogue can barely keep it chugging along. For the most part though, the film is concerned with Valerian and Laureline and how much they care about each other/work well together/should be a couple etc. none of which works due to the aforementioned lack of chemistry.

Ultimately Valerian comes across as a poor man’s Guardians of the Galaxy and essentially shows us what might have been given some alternative casting. The reason both Guardians films work so well is the interplay between the characters, without that the films would have just been a mixture of bright colours and fun noises, and that is basically what Valerian has ended up as.

Even the visual flare of the earlier scenes gives way about half way through proceedings. After setting up a huge universe full of different species and alien environments, Besson for some reason decides we should spend the back half in the dimly lit sewers and underbelly of ‘The City of A Thousand Planets’.

The final nails in the coffin are a couple of bizarre cameo appearances from Rihanna and Ethan Hawke (what are you doing?).

I would say Rihanna’s inclusion drags the film down but the leads are already doing a pretty good job of that themselves. Instead, her section is another speed bump in a film that makes 2 hours and change feel like an eternity.

By the time the final battle gets going, we’re all past the point of caring and no amount of laser gun fights and killer robots can save us (and they usually save everything).

I’m sure Valerian will have its supporters from its pre-existing fan base, but the terrible casting accompanied by a script that has clearly been written by someone without a full grasp of the English language means it has ended up as a convoluted mess without enough flair or imagination to make it worthwhile.

There is something to be said for films that are ‘so bad they’re good’ (see my Fast and Furious 8 review for further details). Valerian, however, is just plain bad. Maybe it will become a cult classic in the future, ultimately though the film will always go down as a missed opportunity. If, for whatever reason, you do end up watching it, I have one piece of advice — in your head recast Dane DeHann and Cara Delevingne with Tom Hiddleston and Emma Stone.