Review of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) by Gyun N — 25 Jul 2017

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets - I now have three questions for the world: Who really killed Kennedy, who kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, and who greenlit this film?

In the dead of night, writer/director Luc Besson broke into STX Entertainment headquarters, and stole $209M to finance an adaptation of a French comic book <---- I'm more apt to believe this than a check being slid across a table after this thing was pitched. Somebody please start a Go Fund Me for the studio.

I knew when I saw the first trailer that this wouldn't be a financial success, but I still rooted for it heavily. The Fifth Element was such a fun, original sci-fi movie that I had complete faith that he could bring something incredible to the screen with today's technology. It's without a doubt the most gorgeous thing I've seen displayed this year, but it might as well have been a screen saver for the depth of story it possesses.

City of a Thousand Distractions, a Thousand Sidetracks, a Thousand Digressions, take your pick. I would have thought the thing was entirely improvised had it not been so heavily CGI dependent. And for all I know they just built the effects around the haphazard direction these actors were gong in. I would be hard pressed to provide you with a more circuitous route from opening to close in a movie in recent memory. It is the true definition of aimless.

In a movie with Clive Owen, Ethan Hawke, Dane DeHaan, and Cara Delevingne, the best actor in the movie is...Rihanna? She was the one part of the trailer that had me rolling my eyes, but she seemed to be the only one that actually cared about her character. I'm not talking about her *ahem* skills she shows off when she's introduced, but really her portrayal of a vulnerable, but talented artist.

Would it be rude of me to ask how Cara Delevingne continues to get work? I don't really have anything else to add when it comes to her performance, I'm just wondering.

In another blow to original sci-fi fare, Valerian makes it that much harder for the next promising idea to find it's way to the silver screen. A massive mistake by the studio. A new worst of 2017. A beautiful disaster.