Review of Valentine (2001) by Ron G — 16 Oct 2009

"Valentine", which came out in 2001 and which I had the unfortunate opportunity to see in theaters, sucks. I saw this movie with my brother, who liked it (probably because it had Denise Richards in a bikini, which neither thrilled me or made me care). I sat there with a glazed look in my eyes, wondering how much more stupid a movie could get. Looking back now, I saw "BloodRayne.".

The movie beings with a school dance in 1988. A boy named Jeremy asks a couple of girls out and they reject him because he is obviously a nerd (check the glasses). There is this chubby girl named Dorothy who agrees to dance with him and they wind up making out under the bleachers. A couple of bullies happen upon them and the girl suddenly states that Jeremy attacked her. The bullies strip his clothes off and beat him up in front of the entire student body.

Now (or when the movie was made), it's 2001, and those girls that rejected Jeremy and Dorothy are in their 20's, struggling with love and dreading the upcoming holiday known as--plot twist--Valentine's Day. One of the girls is sent a threatening message in the form of a--plot twist--Valentine's Day card. After the other four girls get back in touch at the dead chick's funeral (hey, My Chemcical Romance was right [see lyrics for "Kill All Your Friends"]!), they all start receiving death threats in the form of Valentine's Day cards. They remember what they did to Jeremy and start believing that it might be him and they find out that he's disappeared from the face of the earth and that he--this is seriously a plot twist--might have had plastic surgery and now he's one of their boyfriends! OMG, that is so clever! No, actually, that's exactly what you'd expect out of a group of dumbass bimbos. Another person dies, then somebody gets a chocolate with maggots inside, then another person dies, then another person dies, then another person dies, etc. and we're left with a revamped version of "Friday the 13th.".

This is another 'whodunnit?' movie and if you can't figure out who's doing it, you're a moron. Remember the tagline for the film? If not, it's: "Remember that kid everyone ignored on Valentine's Day? He remembers you." Let's just say that that's not entirely true. "Meet the devil" was another of the taglines and yes, I am 120% serious. Too bad that didn't happen or the movie might have been at least 1% unpredictable. I noticed that I mentioned "Friday the 13th" above. What a perfect comparison. In that movie, the person that everybody thought was the killer was not.

I have just pretty much wrapped up the movie for you without ruining the ending (besides to tell you that it's not Jeremy). If you actually want to watch "Valentine" after all that, then more power to you. I myself loathed the movie. It's stupid, it's plenty comprehensible but nonetheless confusing, it's another slasher film, and it's not a good one. "Heck nah." I suggest that you pick it up on DVD ONLY if you want to give it to a friend that you're mad at.

Critics who agree:

A.O. Scott, The New York Times/The Tuscaloosa News: "It feels like both a joke and a turkey. 10 out of 100.".

Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly: "Doesn't contain a single scary or imaginative moment. D.".

Lou Lumenick, The New York Post: "The dreary, direct-to-video quality of the script, acting and cinematography in this latest entry seemed to inspire more yawns than screams, and not a few titters. 1 star.".

Jay Carr, Boston Globe: "A flagrantly retro example of a tired genre that would vanish in a puff of smoke if anger management classes were to enter the picture, or if it would ever occur to any one of its endless stream of victims to reach for a light switch before proceeding into a spooky place. 1 star.".