Review of Troll 2 (1990) by Shawn S — 01 Feb 2011

Or FIVE STARS! I cant figure it out yet! just know that despite me giving this the lowest rating, I think I actually kind of loved it, it's definitely one star for quality but rated on sheer entertainment value, Troll 2 is a total fucking blast! notorious for being "one of the worst movies ever made", this film is monumentally inept on every conceivable level (the acting from an inexperienced cast, that feels comprised of the filmakers relatives and people who were hanging around at the time) is truly inexplicable, every line delivery, every facial expression, every struggled line of dialogue is unbelievable in it's phoniness, the camera work a disaster, the direction amateur and clumsy in the extreme, the "special" effects hilarious, the trolls (actually Goblins, there are no trolls in this film, and it has nothing to do with the movie Troll at all) are midgets, or people pretending to be midgets, in amazingly cheap, store bought halloween masks (you can see the real actors mouths under the mask mouths when the goblins talk or eat) nothing works at all, the "plot" is either mad, camp brilliance or complete awfulness (probably the latter, maybee both! I dont know!) a little boy and his family go to a town called NILBOG (surely u can already see what they did there) which is basically the goblin's kingdom, and they get their power from a piece of stone henge (Yes, stone henge!) they have in a creepy cathedral, and they turn people in to vegetables that they can feast on by feeding them weird green stuff that makes you sweat fairy liquid and turn into green slush, meanwhile the boy is given sage advice from his dead grandad who can do magic and stuff like Gandalf ( he clicks his fingers and freezes time in one bit!) and after much sweaty aerobics, sinth music, incredible "acting", pissing on family dinners, geeks turned into pot plants and corn on the cob seduction, the kid finally defeats the goblins with a double baloney sandwich, yep you heard.

Like I said, everything about this film is useless, and truly catastrophically maladroit on every level, it's amazing to behold the skilled incompetence on display, so grab a few beers and some friend with a clear and strong sense of camp irony and enjoy this generations Plan 9 From Outer Space, Troll 2 is really great fun.

A masterpiece of rubbishness.