Review of TransSiberian (2008) by Matthew G — 15 Feb 2009

Admittedly, it was not the title that compelled me to watch Transsiberian. It's utterance evokes a myriad of images in the troubled recesses of my inner psyche, from a transvestite swaddled in an enveloping Siberian tiger skin to John Henry plodding his way across the Transcontinental Railroad. And while the thoughts of a transvestite with all the trappings of a Siegfried and Roy show on their back and a baby John Henry emerging from the womb with a hammer in hand are amusing, I doubt they could carry a 2 hour movie. Unless Michael Bay directed it. Throw approximately one fuckzillion dollars worth of advertising on it, make sure there's at least half of the screen filled with CGI in every scene, and crank up the sound effects so loud that even a deaf person would get a hemorrhage from watching it. Then, maybe Transvestite/John Henry The Movie could be a raging success. Transsiberian had a unique concept, interesting locales, and Ben Kingsely as a post-Soviet Union narcotics officer speaking in a thick Russian accent. Basically, everything necessary to keep my attention. But despite all these things, Brad Anderson's train-themed suspense thriller lagged at many parts and was, for the most part, predictable. The tension was built and sustained in the first half of the film, when thick-eyebrowed Pervmaster Flex Carlos Jimenez (Eduardo Noriega) hogged the screen. But once the drug-smuggling Spainard is killed over a harmless semi-rape misunderstanding, the suspense is abandoned in favor of twists, turns, and action. Unfortunately, by the time anything really gets too interesting, you feel so bored of the hi-diddly-do Roy, played by Woody Harrelson, and Roy's wife, Jessie, that it's hardly worth it.

In the end, Transsiberian was just like another matryoshka doll: predictable and incapable of retaining my interest for more than an hour. It's a doll of a fat lady. Let me guess, inside is another fat lady doll, but smaller. And then let me guess, there's another fat lady doll inside that fat lady doll, but even smaller. And another. And another. Until the last one is just filled with heroin and transported across Siberia to sell in Moscow. Sorry, but I just saw it coming, Transsiberian.