Review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) by James T — 25 Apr 2014

Action? Check. Megan Fox pouting and looking hot? Check. That's it. The best plot points in this woeful excuse for a film are nicked from Star Wars, The Matrix and The Terminator. Two and a half hours of fan geek porn where machines fuck each other senseless with no purpose and no flair.

And it ain't even funny, the humour is so out of date and god awful I actually wondered why I was sitting there, head in hands, begging for the cinema to be hit by a nuclear explosion. I mean you have LaBeouf whose usually alright, being typecast as a bland version of every other character he has ever portrayed, Duhamel was just wasted, and John Turturro.

I love him, but please dude, give the Coen's a call. This is just painful. Maybe I'm an old man? I don't know, but it wasn't even fun, Michael Bay has given us what "we" wanted, good looking CGI syrup gone stale.

The one good thing about the film is that it ended. No surprises, sappy sentimental emotion and a smackdown so disappointing I forgive Tim Kring for the bubble bursting Peter/Sylar confrontation at the end of Heroes season one.

Guys listen to me, I implore you. You want a cool, hip, funny, thrilling adventure with heart? Then watch the new Star Trek, still without a doubt the best blockbuster of '09. Trust me.