Review of Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) by Maximillian M — 13 Dec 2015

It's been too long since I've ripped into a shitty movie on this blog. I mean, it's literally been almost a year since I've reviewed something that made me want to squirt lemon juice in my eyes, and it's always nice to change things up a little. So gather around, my friends! It's time to roast some marsh mellows and burn a terrible film!

And which film will have the unfortunate victim of our roasting session? Well, chances are there's a title to go along with this review, so I won't hold things up any longer. Transformers: Age of Extinction is a pretty awful movie. Going into this movie a mere day after my high school graduation with a bunch of my buddies, I remember being quite excited. I really liked the first Transformers, and whilst I was really/kinda let down by the following two films, I harboured some hope that the new cast and story would breathe some fresh air into the franchise. Whelp, it's not the first time I've harboured false hope. Especially in regards to director Michael Bay. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't hate Bay nearly as much as everyone else seems to. I think he has an incredible eye for action, and when he's handed a script that isn't reliant on so much CGI bullshit (i.e. Pain and Gain, The Rock, Bad Boys I and II) he can actually do some pretty cool stuff. But then he's got shit like Pearl Harbor and this monstrosity of a franchise, so I've taught myself to be vigilant when his name appears on the posters (for the love of god, please let 13 Hours be good). Anyways, onto the movie.

Age of Extinction takes place some time after the third movie and follows Mark Wahlberg as a struggling inventor trying to support his family. In the grand scheme of things, the Autobots are now being hunted by the human governments because for some reason they're being blamed for the shitstorm that happened in Chicago during the previous film. Shenanigans ensue, and soon Wahlberg and his family become intertwined with the Transformers as they try to stop some new bad guy from activating some kind of alien WMD, ergo wiping out humanity. It's really convoluted, and doesn't really make a lick of sense.

The thrill of the action wears thin pretty darn quick in this movie. While it is well executed, the film literally beats its audience over the head with action scene after action scene after action scene. Pacing is a word all but foreign to this movie, and when they do try to slow things down, shit just remains every bit as boring. Nothing in this movie really feels like the filmmakers made any new creative decisions, which is kind of stupid considering this is supposed to mark the start of a new franchise. When all is said and done, this movie just feels like a rinse and repeat of the ones that came before it. Like, they literally just destroy Chicago again, and whole action set pieces just feel as if they were copy/pasted from previous movies. There's also fuck tons of product placement. Like, holy shit. I'm not entirely against the concept, but you at least gotta try and be subtle about it! Like, you could literally cut certain shots out of the film and the placement is so blatant that they could serve as commercials in and of themselves. Did I mention nothing makes sense in this movie? Like, I lost a few of my braincells just trying to knit together some logic in this story, but the stupidity just kind of Blitzkrieged my sense of logic. I would say something about the performances in this film, but that seemed to be what the movie gave the least shit about so I won't even bother.

Transformers 4 is a pretty god awful movie, and is probably the worst film I've seen in a theatre. If you yourself liked this film, that's great and more power to you! I just can't stand it, but I would definitely be open to roasting it with a bunch of my friends together in one room. This writing has been awfully therapeutic, and it was nice to talk about something awful for a change. Goodnight!