Review of Titanic (1943) by Diego T — 20 Feb 2014

"MY HEART WIIIIILL GOOOO OOOOOONNNNN...".

No, fuck you, Celine Dion. This movie is stupid. Sorry James Cameron, I know this thing was basically your life's work, because you seem to have a weird Titanic fetish. But this movie is living proof that no matter how much passion you put into a movie, it won't necessarily turn out great. Titanic is basically an awesome 40-minute documentary about the sinking of the now-legendary ship, with two hours and 20 minutes of romantic bullshit building up to it. The only reason this movie even HAS characters is because Cameron had to justify showing the Titanic onscreen, and although the visuals of the ship are undeniably impressive, that is not a legitimate reason for making a film.

Unless you've been living under a rock since 1997, you probably already know the whole story behind Titanic-- Rose Dawson (Kate Winslet) is a rich girl who is really sad with her life, because all her diamonds and shit aren't enough without actual human company. Also, her fiance is a retard with bad eye makeup. Fortunately for her, she is able to bond with (if you know what I mean) a fellow passenger aboard the Titanic named Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) before the ship goes down and he dies. Doesn't matter, had sex. Anyway, this premise could have easily been done well, but it's shocking to see how little effort was put into the script and story of this movie.

The biggest challenge for these two star-crossed lovers is the class rift between them. Rose is a derpy-looking rich girl and Jack is an unrealistically intelligent peasant. Also, as a side note, this movie acts like love conquers all and that class doesn't matter. But if all poor guys were Leonardo DiCaprio, they'd be getting laid erryday. Moving on: It was an interesting choice for Cameron to focus so much on the class warfare of the early 20th century, but it often feels far too forced and over-the-top to really ring true. The poor people are so ridiculously charismatic and sympathetic, while the rich people are just total assholes with no characterization past that. Okay Cameron, we get it. Rich people are evil (even though you are one of them). You don't have to shove it in our faces every chance you get. Especially appalling is Rose's husband-to-be, who acts like a detestable piece of shit every chance he gets, even going so far as to start shooting at her and Jack when she hangs him out to dry. Really? Sure, make the villain really nasty, but that's actually going a little too far. We've crossed from "Believable villain" into "Cartoon Mitt Romney" at that point. It's unrealistic and completely forced.

The dialogue between Jack and Rose is fucking laughable, as are most of the decisions they make while together. "Hey, this girl just attempted suicide. It's a good idea to dangle her off the back of a fucking boat." It doesn't help that Kate Winslet isn't a very good actress, and that DiCaprio (although now very qualified) wasn't exactly at the peak of his acting capability at the time this film was made. Unlike actually compelling romances (Before Sunrise, anyone?), the banter between the two of them feels immensely concocted and unnatural. When they try to be loving, they sound unbearably corny. When they try to be awkward, all they resemble are two actors trying to be awkward. And when they finally bang... it looks like a scene from The Human Centipede: Full Sequence. Not giving anything away, though.

Fortunately, the spectacular series of scenes in which the ship actually goes down are near-perfect. The terror of the passengers is fully thrust upon the audience, and Cameron is able to deliver total suspense despite the fact that the outcome is already known. But speaking of the outcome... seriously? They couldn't both have fit on that fucking door? Why didn't Jack just grab another piece of debris floating around in the ocean? Why didn't they take turns in the water and on the door? Why didn't they do ANYTHING but just let DiCaprio go out like a fucking bitch? Screw it. Also, a lot of emphasis is put on the water being incredibly cold, but while the two of them are swimming around inside the ship, they never even hint at the water being freezing save for a few times. Anyway, none of those nitpicks matter, because we then have the final scene, in which 101-year-old Rose throws an incredibly expensive diamond into the ocean. Wow... great financial decision there. I bet you and your granddaughter couldn't have used that at all. Okay, it symbolizes that she's letting go. Still, what a bitch. She had the fucking thing the whole time, never told anyone, and then just chucks it away? There's a word for this: Dementia.

Final Score for Titanic: 4/10 stars. This is a charming and well-filmed movie, and I wish I could give it more, but at the end of the day its flaws fully outweigh its triumphs. The romance is pretty unengaging, the social commentary is nothing we haven't seen before, and neither are worth sitting through for two hours just to get to one spectacularly shot sequence. And to all the guys out there whose girlfriends dragged you to see this thing, once in 1997 and again in 3D two years ago: I sympathize. Kate Winslet's PG-13 boobs don't even come close to making this overlong, underplotted, and often boring movie worth it. Sentimentality will only get you so far, but at some point you have to stop relying on nostalgia and instead focus on actual characters and an actual story. Sadly, Titanic never knows when it hits that point.