Review of The Wicker Man (2006) by Alexander C — 07 Dec 2012

''OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!''.

A sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there's a larger mystery to solve among the island's secretive, neo-pagan community.

Nicolas Cage: Edward Malus.

Ellen Burstyn: Sister Summersisle.

The Wicker Man is a classic example of how NOT to do a remake. Which leads me to point out that the tag line goes on about sacrifices being made. Wicker Man sacrifices quality and plot for one of the most boring and dull excuses for a horror movie I've witnessed.

Apart from nearly falling asleep on numerous occasions I managed to endure the whole film on my third attempt. Seriously I have to laugh at Wicker Man because it's got a whiff of steaming offal about it. I'm trying to be polite here but it's hard believe me. Want to know the reasons why it's such a piece of embarrassment to film?

Well for a start the plot is slow and drawn out as I may have mentioned previously, acting is robotic and limp despite having what appears to be a good casting.

Nicholas Cage plays Edward Malus as stiff as a board. Needless to say I'm severely worried in his agent's ability or his own film choices. Whether it be an iffy time travel like Next which wasn't too bad or a dire half baked comic book adapt Ghost Rider, needless to say Wicker Man makes them both look like masterpieces.

Then we have Ellen Burstyn and seriously I begin to cry. My beloved Ellen Burstyn even involved in this spawn of sickness makes me lose hope. I mean it's not like she doesn't do a totally bad performance with the material she's given but come on Ellen. You read the script, you made an error, I will forgive you...just. Previous films have a part here.

Wicker Man has a buzz about it. Pardon the pun, and its not a good buzz. Director Neil LaBute,(who I think personally should be whipped into a time travel machine and taken to the nearest Nazi Concentration Camp), thinks that circus resembling villagers, buzzing bees and a hair receding Nic Cage running about wailing to his momma like a big sissy is grounds for making a horror film.

Heretic Neil LaBute my answer is quite frankly it is not, nowhere near.

What Wicker Man does achieve however is making me laugh and actually pleased when the end finally does come. You actually want Cage to go through pain and crap on-screen for this squalid affair. Then you start laughing and crying immediately afterwards because Ellen Burstyn looks like she just stole Mel Gibson's part in Braveheart. I cover my face not in fear, but in embarrassment. Have yet to see the original Wicker Man but parts I have seen have told me it's a masterpiece and untouchable. So why the remake? Fuck knows! Excuse my language.

Wicker Man will have bees, women and budding pagans grimacing in pain for a depiction that mostly resembles a colourful circus assemble. In my conclusion I'd say I gave Wicker alot of chances, it gave me a waste of time. Needless to say Americans tainting an English classic with their own filth.

AVOID! Unless you want to get stung mentally by the bees and Cage's performance, like I sadly was...