Review of The Wicker Man (1973) by Hugh J — 30 Oct 2008

Alright, to be honest, I already knew the ending going into the flick so I knew I wouldn't like it. But I still gave it a chance because I like Britt Ekland and they say this is a cult classic. So I watched it and I didn't like it.

Edward Woodward was decent. The guy played his uptight role well and I was on his side for most of the flick. Unfortunately, he doesn't do a single damn thing that can be considered badass and he completely loses me around the one hour mark.

And that's my biggest problem with this film. The plan was, Sergeant Howie would fly back to the mainland, bring the cavalry to reign hell down on the island and kill all of those sick Pagan fucks (and yes, I'm judging the Pagans based on how they were portrayed in this film).

Unfortunately, those sick Pagan fucks decommissioned his plane and the only other way back to the mainland was by boat. Given the circumstances, it would take a week for Sarge to get back to base, bring the thunder and "arrest" those Pagan bastards.

By then, Sarge and the audience is meant to believe that the islanders would've sacrificed the little girl and they'd have more than enough time to get rid of the evidence. Here's where the movie loses me: instead of letting the girl PRESUMABLY get killed, escaping the island thereby allowing them to clean up any evidence of human sacrifice and rendering yourself without any basis in which to arrest them, Sarge's plan is to go back to the island, you know, the one filled with nothing but people who are all obviously working together for some fiendish plot, and search every single, fucking house on the island BY HIMSELF.

And for what? The off chance that you may save a little girl's life? A little girl that you wouldn't have even known existed had you not received an anonymous tip saying she was missing. Now I understand the hero in him wanted to save the little girl.

But come on, think logically; it's either go back home, round up a posse and try like hell to convict those fucking bastards (or do what I'd do and burn the fucking island to ashes) OR, go back to the island filled with crazies, search everyone's fucking home like a retard and get tricked by the same little girl you were trying to save into willingly going to the sacred spot in which you are to be sacrificed so those Pagan assholes can grow some apples.

Now, obviously the fact that the little girl was a ruse is supposed to be a twist but come on, his plan was shit. At best, he gets killed trying to save the little girl. At least if he went back to the mainland and waited a week, people would know to keep an eye on that island full of insane religious fanatics.

Instead, the bad guys win, the dumb fucking hero dies and all because he wanted to save a child that wasn't even his. Yeah, the acting was good considering everyone was creepy as fuck and the whole atmosphere was tense as hell.

Unfortunately, that's still not enough to make me like a movie where the only character I could stand is a fucking moron who gets brutally murdered by the more annoying characters. Seriously, I know the movie's not supposed to be fun but come on, give me something to work with here.

Granted, I'll give it points for Britt Ekland showing off her tops, a body double wiggling her bottom and the whole plot for being a great example of why I don't have much faith in humanity but aside from that, I didn't like a damn thing about this movie.