Review of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011) by Bill M — 14 Aug 2012

Fascinatingly bad, breaking dawn has a couple of surprisingly stylish, well executed scenes like bella's bloody nightmare or edwards very well done, black and white universal horror referencing flashback, and it's all truly gorgeously shot and quite beautiful looking.

But it's just a bizzarly bad piece of non entertainment, it truly fails as a film. It's weirdly grim, focussing on bella's often horrible delivery of a half vampire/half human baby that is draining and killing her from inside out, playing out like some tween variation on a david cronenberg body horror pic from the 80's, it's also endlessly dull, uneventfull (the birth and some occasional terrible wolf/vampire fights, thats it) truly boring, and very, very silly, consisting very often of a bunch of gap model vampires with dodgy wigs sitting around the pregnant bella pouting and posing whilst giving her a blood slushy (really) and talking constantly, jacob acting like a bitch, whinning, moping, moaning and patheticly pining after bella throughout the whole film.

It's also utterly laughable, hilariously so (in fact this is sorta what makes it a film of some merit, a really odd, strangly terrible and campily cheesy film, that you have to watch just to see how shockingly stupid it gets) cartoon werewolves have a big telekinetic argument in big shouty thundercat voices for some reason, onece again the cullens run really fast through the woodlands either chasing or avoiding somthing (this happens in every film, it's like twillights version of the lord of the rings battle scenes except it's, pale people, running around a forest for some vaugue reason, but it's pften the closest you get to action of any kind) edward eats bellas baby out of her in the loonily bloody and bonkers delivery scene, and jacob falls in love with a computer generated baby, sorry imprints! inprints on the baby, I keep forgetting, that thing that was made up for this movie but everyone talks about so matter or factly like it's all perfectly normal, "no he's imprinting on the baby", oh yeah of course, how silly of me.

Mental stuff, really whats wrong with everyone!! this film is mad! tell the people!!!